Gerda, I completely understand about not sharing your name. If I had chosen a username that suited me other than a login to another website I used before, then I might stick with mine too. I am sure your real name is beautiful, but I do like Gerda!
I'm glad that I was able to offer some comfort. It really isn't that much of a mystery why I view you the way I do...it is because of how you carry yourself. The things you think about, the types of concerns you have, how hard you work on things...whether its something you know how to do or not. You have grown leaps and bounds since you first started coming here...and that shows your strength. I have a high opinion of you because you have shown us what kind of woman you are. You are a lighthouse, even if your ex may be forever lost at sea.
I agree that it helps to know that when we are at our lowest, that others have felt the same. My kids seem to be constantly at odds with their mom due to her flaky/selfish behavior. When they are mad at her, it almost gives me a sense of peace that I am not crazy. She is doing this to all of us. But, they live with her part of the time...and flaky or not she still loves them. So, they end up getting along with her a lot more lately. Although her and I still don't talk much, she has calmed down a lot. I find myself feeling almost betrayed by them that they are enjoying time with her. I have to back myself off from that and remind myself that if they can have any kind of a good relationship with her, that is a GOOD thing. I hate that I feel that way, but I can at least say that I am getting better at recognizing it and countering it. It's an ongoing effort...you are not alone!
Another thing I have recognized in myself that it looks like you may struggle with as well is going too easy on the kids in regards to punishment/correction. I find that I feel so bad about not being able to provide the family life I wanted them to have and I see them struggle while with their mother that I bend over backwards to make sure they have no complications at my house of any kind. The problem is that they are still kids and part of what they need is parenting. They need direction, which provides that stability and structure that they need. We can be a safe place to vent, but we can't allow them to think that it is ok to treat us poorly. They get enough of that on the other side, they need direction in how to treat people. They need to see that it is ok to stand up for yourself if you are being treated poorly and that there are real life consequences for their actions. They need to know that if you love someone you don't treat them that way. I am getting better at this but its still a work in progress. I think realistically the dad should step in and correct the son when he mistreats his mother, but this is another instance where we have to step in and make up for the inadequacies of the MLCer. It isn't fair at all, but I love my kids so much and I want them to have all the lessons they need in life, so if I have to pull mom duty to make that happen...so be it. You might have to pull some dad duty here.
I have not been writing much lately. The box you remember us talking about was a time capsule of sorts. I wanted to make a box and fill it with mementos and memories that reminded me of all the things I loved about my wife and my life with her. Something I could put on the shelf and refer back to when things got to a point where I needed a reminder of what I was standing for. I am proud that I felt that way at the time. The thing I didn't fully realize was how much I would change. I feel like the relationship I had with her was a relationship between 2 different people. The memories and feelings I have/had for her feel like they belong to a different person. A different version of me for a different version of her. Even if she at some point wanted to fix things between us (which seems unlikely at this point), I am not sure she is capable of being what I would need her to be in order to work through a reconciliation. I'm not sure she ever really loved me enough to have that much patience to work through the hard bits.
Otherwise, I am doing pretty well. I can't say that I am 100%...but I am leaps and bounds better than I was 2 years ago. I still feel like there is an injured part of my soul that may never fully heal, but for the most part I am better. The hard part is trading the kids. If it was just about her cheating and then leaving, I think I'd probably have moved all the way through this thing by now. But, the constant back and forth with the kids keeps the whole thing kind of fresh to some degree. That and no real closure as to why it all happened...but time helps with that.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to ramble on your thread. I hope you have an amazing day today!