Look I get this stuff is hard, especially when it's fresh. And all of this anger of mine isn't pointed directly at you Scott but some of the newly divorced parents around here including yourself are really struggling with some things that you shouldn't be struggling with. So that being said, please know that all of the below is to address what you said, but the whole thing isn't pointed directly at you. It's also addressing in a broad sense some of the things you brought up that I see a little too much of for people who have access to the internet and search engines.
Children ignore their mothers in perfectly happy healthy 2 parent no A, no D homes. When it's the voice you hear the most it's the easiest to tune out. When it's the one telling you no the most you stop hearing the nos. When it's the one telling you when and how to do things the most inevitably it will sound like white noise. Also kids start showing open defiance and testing boundaries with there parents in their tweens. You're describing perfectly normal developmentally appropriate behavior and attributing to your own problems because it's one more thing to blame or shame exW for.
And I swear to god if another man comes on here and compares his daughter to his exW or says he's worried about her modeling her behavior after her mother because of the affair I'm going to scream. Don't project your problems with your exW's behavior on your daughter. Get your head out of your back side and stop creating imaginary future issues that don't actually and likely won't exist. You want your daughter to understand what healthy behavior is in a relationship? You model it for her. You want your daughter to know what kind of behavior is becoming of a future mate? Show her. Your daughter has 2 parents.
Keep your side of the street clean, and mind your own business. What happens in mom's house is mom's business. What happens in your house is your business. If the children aren't in harm's way or fearful they needn't share what happens in each other's household. You and exW really need to develop some much more healthy and more rigid boundaries. You are far too enmeshed at this stage in the game. Two households. Two lives. You parent side by side until you have enough time and distance from the marriage to parent cooperatively.
Next on to detachment, and control. Detachment is a process you should always be working on with your ex. It doesn't stop because you aren't trying to save the marriage any more. You can't control what exW does. You can't control what she did. You can't control how she is with the kids. You can't control what the kids think or feel about her. You can't control what behaviors, thought processes, ideals or beliefs that they will get from their mother, or you for that matter. The only thing you can do is control yourself. You be the best you, you can be. You be the best dad you can be. In the future you be the best boyfriend and maybe someday husband you can be. That's all you can do.
Children are not an extension of their parents. They are their own people, with their own thoughts, coping mechanisms, and life experiences shaping them. They won't be carbon copies of either of you. They will only be themselves. They also won't ever share the same world view as you, because the world looks different to them. Even if you do agree on many things as they age you will still never think or feel the exact same way about anything. The sooner you fully understand that and accept that the better.
I strongly, strongly suggest you take a co-parenting class. I think it would also help if you picked up a book or two or just read a few articles online about child development so you can understand better what typical and what is atypical behavior. What you should worry about, and what you need to learn to roll with the punches. Lastly, I strongly, strongly suggest you get into IC if you aren't in it already. You need the tools to separate your issues with your exW from your issues or potential issues with your children. You need some tools to process this so you aren't projecting your issues on to your kids. You're going to need some tools to parent as the kids get older that you probably haven't thought of. We should all be striving to be the best parent we are capable of. And with IC it would really help you to have an unbiased sounding board process the D and the future of co-parenting.
