But I do not agree that what is happening between me and H is separate from my kids. I think it's almost dangerous to see it that way. There is a difference between trying not to share any details and thinking this is only between a husband and wife.
What is happening between you and H is between you and H. It also affects your kids, friends, family, etc.
It is important to ensure son and daughter realize they are not the cause of your divorce. That it is between you and H. Only!
Yes, it is good to provide information and answer question for their young thirsty minds. Factual and to the point age appropriate answers. There are plenty of lessons they will and are learning. Morality, loyalty, resilience, responsibility, trustworthy, honour, to name a few. And there is vengeance, anger, hatred, selfishness, and so on, they are exposed too and learning about. It’s up to us to be the role model and guide which is lived. One needs both sides to truly learn something.
Originally Posted by Gerda
My H's goal is to destroy the family unit, not me. He doesn't have any mercy or empathy for these kids, and I can see already what he is doing to my son, my son is literally transformed in the space of three weeks.
It sounds like H is weaponizing son. Attempting to drag him to his side. Involving son in that which son should not be involved. Whether that be willful or a more unintended product of H’s interact with son is unknown. I suspect H is looking for an ally.
Originally Posted by Gerda
Just now he [son] spent 1/2 an hour telling me what a loser I am, how lame that I can't afford the things I need, why I had to get a "real" job so that I could finally pay for things for this family, and the look on his face, of pure hatred, disdain, disgust. It's like he is absorbing the MLC monster and coming home to puke it out all over me.
Gerda, why allow this?
What would you do if the “reason” for son’s outburst and ill mannered disrespectful venting was not “caused” by MLC divorcing Dad?
Control. Son controls himself. Regardless of input.
If one of his friends had talked him into thinking you were a looser, would you accept it? Would you let son talk like that to you? Of course not! So do not let it happen because the “cause” is the divorce.
What is happening between you and H is between, and stays between, you and H. You and son’s relationship is your’s, separate from H, divorce, MLC, etc. Treat it as such. Talk to son and address his views.
Boundaries my dear. Son can control himself. He can think what he likes. And he can still be respectful. Willfully damaging a jewelry box is a passive aggressive action looking for admonishment. His behaviour will escalate until he finds what he is looking for.
Provide firm and gentle guidance to son.
Feel for you my dear. Sorry things have stirred up again.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
