Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

[bttrfly]

Sometimes we try to help people, in real life or here on the boards, and for whatever reason the help isn't taken. People have to find their own way. You, Gerda, have to find your own way regardless of what any of us offer as suggestions or encouragement.

I've a friend - known him for well over 35 years. In fact, he introduced me to my exh. He is completely damaged by his parents divorce, even though it happened when he was a child. He blames one parent for everything and sanctifies the other parent. He knows way too much about the details of their relationship and divorce and only one parent gave him those details. He's never had his own family because he was parentified and a victim of parental alienation. What do I mean by this? In his case, he has no relationship with his father and is his mother's partner in every way except sexual. He's his brothers' dad, and they resent him for that role. He has never had a romantic relationship of any real length or substance. He has so much anger, it's affected his personal and work relationships. It's really sad to see this. He's a great guy, but he's imprisoned by this and he can't even see it. Worse yet, his mother trolls the internet for any and all details about her exh which she then shares with him and which fuels more anger and resentment. They are locked into this vicious dynamic and have been for DECADES. Guess what? My MIL tried to do the same to my exh, with almost the same results.

My husband said the most damaging thing in a string of damaging things was that his parents bad mouthed each other to him. And yes, he has done the same to our son, and it's caused great harm. I cannot protect my son from his father ... they have their own relationship to figure out. I can and try to make sure that my side of the street is swept clean on a daily basis and that I do not do that as well. No child should ever know the details of their parents' relationship. I'm adamant about that. Nothing good can come from it, especially if that relationship is acrimonious. I personally know way more than I ever wanted to about my parents' relationship and I struggle with it and theirs was a pretty good relationship all things considered. I cannot control what my son's father does or says. I can only control what I do and say.

I don't pretend to know what the best course of action is for you and your children. I'd suggest family therapy as a starting point and / or maybe some religious counseling for yourself if you are open to it. I wish you and your family all the best.