Wolfman moving forward2

[Dawn70]

A different tactic to try with questions for your daughter: "What was the best thing that happened to you this week? What was the worst thing? What are you most proud of? "

These kinds of questions let HER pick the reply - but they do require an answer. (She could say "I don't know" but seems less likely with this kind of question.) Does she ask YOU any questions?

School may be something she doesn't want to talk about if it's a problem area for her right now, which it might be.

I love kml's question about what are you most proud of. We did that with our girls when we were teenagers...ask them pointed questions rather than questions that could easily be answered with one word. We called it blessin' and lesson time where we would share blessings and lessons from our day. Their dad and I participated too to show good faith that we just wanted to chit chat and we weren't trying to pry into things that they might want to maintain privacy about, but just wanted an overall look into how their day went and what was good and not so good. Given the option to say few or now words, a teen will take that option EVERY time with a parent or authority figure. You just have to be creative to get longer answers.

As far as your post about the counseling stuff with D, you are certainly in a tough spot, as is your D. I'm not particularly a fan of Dr. Phil, but I do watch his show on occasion if I happen to be home when it is on because he does sometimes make good points. One point that I have heard him ask over and over and it is usually aimed at either parents or fighting spouses is "do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?" I may have even said this to you before, can't remember, but Wolf, your posts here, at least in my interpretation as I read them sound like you spend a lot of time trying to get everyone to see your point of view and to agree that you are right. I think people have said to you repeatedly that you are NOT in your daughter's head so while she may APPEAR fine, you really don't know exactly what she's thinking when she is sitting in that room either alone with you or with the therapist and you. And, you said that she could've spoken up and said she didn't feel comfortable about being left alone, but think about that for a second. Most kids, in her spot, if they were TRULY uncomfortable being left alone, likely are not going to say that to anyone unless they feel about 10,000% safe and while your daughter may be ok with the therapist, she may still not have felt safe enough to say hey, don't leave me alone. You just can't assume anything. Honestly, I'm not defending or siding with your wife, but if I was sending my child to therapy with anyone and I found out the therapist left them alone in the room, even for a minute, I would want to talk to that therapist about why that happened. You need to focus on yourself and your relationship with your daughter and stop assuming what she is thinking or what she knows and stop making accusations against your wife. You can't control her. The quicker you realize and accept that, the smoother your road will be. All you can do is do YOUR BEST to connect with your kids and you may have to be the adult and meet them at THEIR level instead of trying to reason or force them up to yours.

As far as the deal with your son and his basketball attire. Yeah, that was a real d!ck move on her part. But, if you saw it happening, why didn't you go meet him halfway or closer or make some move to help him rather than just watching him walk across the gym half-dressed? Now, again, not defending or siding with your XW because there is NO excuse for that, but man, just help your kids out and be there for them. I know you are trying, but you almost need to act like she just doesn't even exist so that you can focus on them. You and your XW clearly cannot communicate effectively or co-parent, so just act as if. She's going to be who she is going to be and she's going to do what she is going to do and you can't change that. It almost seems like the more you try the harder she digs in.

I'm confused about why you were so upset about her bf smoking outside while he was walking part of the way to your car with your son. You don't owe me any kind of explanation of that so don't feel obligated to give one because they are your children and you have a right to choose what influences they have around them. I guess for me, that just seemed like something else that you wanted to be in control and wanted everyone to say you were right about, but it kind of seemed like a little thing. It would be different to me if he was in the car with them or in the house with them smoking in an enclosed space near them, but walking outside doesn't seem that bad to me. It makes me wonder how you would react if your current GF were a smoker. It also makes me wonder if you might see how some of your actions might be things that your XW doesn't care for her children being around, but you just haven't really thought about it. Your younger-than-you GF who you hadn't dated very long and by your own postings were strongly considering breaking up with got pregnant and now you have a child with this person out of wedlock. I would be a little leery of that around my kids, if I were in your XW's shoes.

I'm sorry this is long and harsh and judgmental and I really don't mean for it to be any of those things. My heart goes out to you and your children because it is clear you love them and want to have a good relationship with both of them. I'm sure there are a lot of things that I read and interpret incorrectly because I don't know you nor all the particulars of your situation. I guess I could probably actually go back and delete the bulk of this and just say, try to focus on yourself and your kids and stop worrying about being right about how awful your XW is and the horrible things she is doing because you really don't know what is going on from her end and even if you did, you couldn't control her. Stop fighting to be right and start fighting for your kids.