WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (4)

[BL42]

CWarrior/Maika/wayfarer,

Great appreciate your support and input. I was really worked up yesterday, very upset. I didn't sleep well last night, but have calmed down a bit today with a feeling that after compromise it's not as bad as it initially presented and also there are "pros" to mitigate the "cons" of the change.

Fortunately after a few back-and-forths emails it sounds like we've come to a sort of compromise agreement. I still won't have the kids in the mornings on her weeks, but will see S6 a few afternoons before activities / my off-week evening for dinner, and she's agreed to let me be with them on my off-Friday days. So I'll still miss out on the mornings - walking S6 to school each day had become one of our things - but will see them more than her original stance.

To your points, I need to change my mindset and get over the loss of potential time with my kids (which unfortunately is not in my control) and instead focus on the positives (more sleep/less hectic mornings, more time for regular workouts, golf, skiing...etc.)

I am so sorry for what the exW pulled. I totally get your feelings of being angry and hurt, and grieving the time that you had cultivated with the kids which is now getting cut short. What's appalling about this is the unilateral move on exW's part and not consulting you on this.

Thanks. It's infuriating. It's like they're being torn away from me again.

One of the things that still grates me to this day is my time cut short with the kids. Even though we have 50-50 custody, I still feel that I am missing out. This feeling has dissipated over time, but what's been required is time and a shift in mindset for it.

It grates me as well. However, it's been mitigated by our arrangement where I essentially spend time with them for several hours most days of the two week cycle. This declaration by fiat was essentially removing that mitigating and extra connection with the kids.

1. What is your custody split?

Our legal agreement is joint 50/50 custody, but in practice we've had an arrangement under which I've been spending an hour or two before and after school with them as well as every Friday (regardless of week), as well as afternoons with S6 when he has an activity. So I've been spending as much time non-sleeping with them in some respects on her weeks as she has. This informal/non-legally binding arrangement is what's she's changing.

2. How are your ex-in-laws with the kids?

The ex-inlaws are good with the kids. They're loved and cared for. I am concerned about Ex-MIL manipulation, but no indication whatsoever the kids are harmed in any way.

The other thing is, and I am completely speculating here is because I don't know your exW, that maybe she feels guilty about you bearing most of the burden for childcare

I don't think this is the case. I highly doubt it. It's not about her spending more time with the kids, it's her work schedule shifted and she doesn't want to get the kids over to me earlier - it's easy for her this way. Also concerned with Ex-MIL now in town there's a sense of me and my family see the kids too much and they're going to put a stop to that. ExFIL has warned my family repeatedly of what's to come with ExMIL, based on his experience through their D and kid manipulation, and I believe him.

This additional time that you don't have the kids is the time for yourself. What are you going to do with this time? What opportunities might be now open to you in terms of work, GAL, dating etc because of this? I know it seems like a selfish perspective, but it's not. It's about recognizing that YOU are also important and this time could be well used for that.

I agree, and need to get better in this area. I've put a lot of the weight on myself about being there for the kids in every way possible, which is good for their needs from a "father" perspective, but a "pro" of this change could be better self-care for me and my priorities. I'll be able to sleep in alternativing weeks now and it'll ease the extreme flexing/juggling work for the kids, plus maybe I can establish a gym workouts in the mornings.

I am really sorry for what you're going through and I feel you on it. Take some time to take care of your heart and grieve.

Thanks.

The ultimate question I always ask myself - Is this better for the kids?

I'm not sure. Who knows. On the one hand I thought it was good they had a regular starting point to get to school every day - consistency - and now it'll be changing day by day, but on the other hand they'll be able to sleep in more.

I need to let go as I can't control it.

So I'm inclined to wonder if this is a money move. If you have hands on/face time with the kids 12 days out of 14 if it's broken down into hours there's a chance you could demand child support. Some places it's all about the over nights, some places it's actual hours with the kids so I'm not 100% on that but I'm always kind of expecting the worst of the parent who has less face time with kids. And it's something you should check in with your lawyer about.

I didn't think of the money angle - good point wayfarer.

I don't believe it's about money. Our state is based soley on nights, which is why I give her a large amount of child support even though I care for them a good bit more than her (they ultimately end up at her place at night on her weeks). She gets paid regardless, which in a sense benefits me because she's less likely to prevent me from spending more time with the kids, at least from a financial perspective.

I think this is about convenience for her - it's easier to have her parents come over than the kids come to me - and also maybe a bit controlling of her and Ex-MIL in town whispering in her ear that me and my family see the kids way more (I know ExMIL used to do that when we lived far away, well before BD).

But, and this is a big but, if the order is 50/50 and it actually means 50/50 you have to understand this isn't her taking away the kids from you, but actually holding up her end. I know it doesn't make the blow any softer, but it's what you're working with. And if that's the truth here it's a waste of your money to get your lawyer or the courts involved. I'm sorry.

You're right. Our arrangement was not legally-binding and I was running on borrowed time in a sense, but it had been operating smoothly for over a year so maybe I was niave enough to think I'd have the opportunity going forward. The thing is about holding up her end...it's not about her spending more time with the kids - she's still relying on others to take care of them - it'll just be her parents (their grandparents) instead of their father.

There's a very fine line in co-parenting where you have to ask yourself if you're co-parenting well and sharing responsibility or you're using/being used/relying too much on your ex(and vice versa) to do things you really need to figure out yourself.

I think I was being used/relied on too much previously, but it was a role I happily accepted because it led to more involvement with the kids than I would've had otherwise.

You're a hands on dad. Your littles are still really little. I totally understand why you feel like they are being snatched from you.
Thanks. I take pride in that.
[quote=wayfarer]"is this harmful to the kids in any way?" Because that answer is clear. It's either a yes or a no, and if her parents are stable and sane people you know the answer to this.

No, it's not "harmful". Not sure it's the best for the kids either, but can't say it's harmful.

I know when this is all still fresh every step of the way feels like another step on broken glass, but you have to understand it's really important for her to be responsible for the child care on her weeks. Just like you should be responsible for yours. You two should only rely on each other in emergencies. You have two separate household, and two separate lives now. Both of your lives should be minimal contact with each other outside of trading the kids off, or kids updates/emergencies. Healthy happy co-parenting relies heavily on the clear separation of your lives in the early years.

Thanks for the perspective. It is fresh and therefore "broken glass", but understand your point on her taking on more, except she won't be doing any more...she's just offloading it to other people instead of me.

That said, it will lead to less contact with each other which is fine by me at this point - so that's another "pro" of the change.