Hello my friend. It has been a while. I read your post just now and it about broke my heart. I know EXACTLY how you feel. I want my kids to have a good relationship with their mom. They deserve that, but I can't help but feel relieved when they are angry at her and disappointed when they seem to be getting along...and I hate that I feel that way. I am going through a little bit of that myself right now...and it is hard. One thing I can say is that I experience that off and on consistently because my ex is still swapping with me 50% of the time, even though my son is now 18 (just turned 18 a week ago) so I have had a lot of time to think about that feeling and what it means.
There are a few things to consider. One, that your children are smart. They may have a lot to learn still, but they are smart. Even if they don't fully realize the situation as it stands...they will. As they get older and start making lives of their own, things will start to fall in to place for them. They know what you are, and they know what their dad is. They won't forget they were afraid of him and disgusted by his behavior. But, he is their dad and some part of them desires a relationship with him. As much as that hurts us after being betrayed by their dad, it is natural. I think a good reminder is that it isn't the kids that have betrayed us by desiring a relationship, it is our MLCers that have betrayed us, kids included. The children are just stuck in the middle. But as they get older, they will begin to realize all the sacrifices you have made for their benefit. Sometimes it takes an adult mind to recognize adult behavior.
Another thing I think it is important to consider is stability and structure. We all crave it to some degree or another. It makes us feel safe and helps us know where we stand. You are providing that for your children and you are the only one doing so. It is one of the things that is allowing them to grow more confident in their decisions. They will go out in to the world and make good and bad decisions, but you are the home they run to in order to seek refuge from it all. That is POWERFUL! He may be trying to be fun dad or something, but that doesn't really go very far. And, the more time they spend around him, the more opportunities he has to hurt them be being himself. Then they will come back to you for the stability they will need in that time. They are teenagers and they will be rebellious at time, and it will hurt at times because we are only human, but you really are doing a remarkable job and it will become evident to them soon if not now. The love and stability you are providing is creating the platform of confidence they are using to go out in to the world and explore the things that interest them. Good job mama!
You got knocked down. Its ok to feel how you do, that is normal. But, you should also be PROUD of the woman you are and the job you are doing. Problem is, you don't have people around you reminding you of that. Let us step in and do that for you. I am absolutely proud to call you a friend. You are an amazing mother and friend (and wife when given the opportunity). We all think it!!
