Oh God.....a "recap"! Well, ok, here goes. I thought I may be having a MLC b/c I had all the signs....only thing was I was about to turn 60, so that seem to be a bit old for mid-life. However, my M was in trouble. We had not had sex in eleven years and I was very lonely. Even though I had never had a problem with "age" like some women do....suddenly here I was turning 60 and boy did it hit me hard! It's a long story, but you can read my threads, if you want details (lol), but I fell into playing the on-line games where you can chat with the players. Men would flirt with me... and at first, of course, I wouldn't do that b/c I was too much of a lady....and a married one at that. But I finally began to flirt back....but guess what? It was fun! Then they (some of the men I flirted with) wanted more than just to play the games....they wanted to get on my "friends list" so we could IM. Especially when they discovered I had a web cam....they were very interested in seeing what I looked like. Well (of course) they would always act shocked that I was so "beautiful"! (fool) Anyway eventually I got on an adult friends chat line and the rest of the story gets ugly. However, through some great guidance from people here....I discovered that was my "drug of choice".
I was so stupid and so careless about my on-line contacts and conversations that my H and my grown D (and maybe my grandson) found my messages! I would even write short romance stories....even using my name for the female character....and it would be packed full of sexual content. Well, that was found by them also. My H does not know that my D found them. But, she finally told me that she knew before he did. I can tell you that I truly wanted to die!!!
When H finally confronted me about it and demanded I delete everything and everyone....and everything WOULD be over.....(or so he thought)....it got into high gear. I did delete everyone....except one man. Out of rebellion toward my H, my depression, my health issues.....and hundred other reasons.....I went into a full blown EA with the OM on-line (that I had failed to delete from my friends list). Let me tell you the OM was good! He fed my ego everything it wanted to hear. I felt great.....in some ways. Started looking pretty darn good too! But in other ways.....I felt awful. I think the word "hell" comes to mind.
Things got really bad and I was ready to walk away from 41 years of marriage! My H did all the wrong things that most S do when they are clinging to the one that is wanting to leave. If I had had the money to make it on my own....I would have walked out. I did not want to move in with my mother, but I would have--if my H had not backed away when he did and give me the space he did. That was the only thing that saved me from walking out the door! Well....that and the fact I found this board. I got some great help from very caring people here. I was reading everything on this board.....and plus other web sites.....buying books, tapes, etc. In other words.....took a big crash course.
So now, we are back to where the MR was before I started playing the games and that whole scene. BTW, I did tell the OM good-bye...but I was so close to having a PA with him that we had made plans to meet....when, where, etc. I am just so very thankful that it never got to that stage, b/c I think my M would surely be over now and and a lot more damage done than ever.
My H has been able to forgive me and we are back to where our "normal" was. However, I don't want that "normal" b/c that is why I got into trouble in the first place. I don't want to settle for that. But, my problem is---that I don't have any sexual desire for my H. He wants me, but he has not slept in the same bedroom with me in 22 years and has not had sex with me in 11 years. He waits for me to make the moves....and I can't.....or I should say....I won't do it. I care deeply about him and love him the way I would love another member of my family.....but don't feel in love with him and don't want to have sex with him.
It has been an on-going problem all our married life. He has always blamed me for being frigid and for "rejecting" him when he would try to have sex with me. I admit that most every time that I did feel "turned off" by him. So, I thought something was very wrong with me. Now, I am not gay! I like men. So, that is not the problem. I just never got the hots for my H. I went for years thinking that something was adnormal about me when I would read books and see movies about other women. I never felt anything like they did! I never had a climax with my H. Had to read about what to do to give myself one in order to experience it. Then I was hooked! I loved it! Would have loved having one with my H. BTW, I was very sheltered growing up and never even masterbated before I got married....much less have sex before M. I barely knew the facts of life enough to have sex on our wedding night!
I prayed for years and years that God would just "fix me" so I could be a good wife to my H. He was a good man and deserved to have a good, loving, sexy W in return. About the time I felt like that just might actually happen.....my H suddenly stopped having sex with me.....without one word of explanation. I thought it was b/c he could no longer "get it up" and did not want to put pressure on him......and besides he blamed me for his "problem" b/c he didn't get it enough was why he couldn't get it up anymore. (Wheeee.....now I'm out of breath!) So, we have gone all these years without sex and it isn't getting any better (and we're not getting any younger...if you know what I mean).
My feelings for him are resentful and I have days that I am very angry toward him......and not sure why. I still feel very turned off by him. He is not bad looking, has a good personality, very clean, etc. But, we are like you see couples that have been married a long time and it seems like everything about the one mate irritates the other mate. We get on each other's nerves! We had gotten where we fussed quite a bit before the on-line EA. We don't do that anymore.
I don't want to live out my years in a R like that. He won't go to C. We go to church, and go to work, and go to a few family get togethers....and that is our life. Very boring to tell you the truth. Boredom got me into trouble.
BTW, I have fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue. That probably doesn't mean much to anyone unless they or a family member has it. It is very painful and limits your activities. Depression goes hand in hand with it and getting up and going to work every morning is a challenge.
Well, I feel like I have told this in a choppy style and I am sorry if it doesn't make much sense to you. I welcome any suggestions or even questions. That is why I'm here in SSM. I don't want my R to be this way. I want to feel desire for my H, but I can't seem to force it to happen. I know the books say to just "do it anyway" but I can't seem to be able to do that.
I think I am okay with the "age" thing now. Apparently the MLC didn't last long (thank God). I didn't have the energy to fight it anyway....lol.
I have not heard from any women my age. A few men have told me they were in their 60's. If there are any folks around this age or have been married this long....it sure would help to hear how you are coping with any like manner problems. Heck, it doesn't matter about the age. It is just that I feel like the oldest person on here....lol. But you know what? Over my life.....age never made any difference in my friendships. I've had friends that were 20 years older than me and 20 years younger. Isn't that great? However, somewhere through my depression.....and lack of interest in life and health problems, I don't feel like I have any friends left....you know...the "running buddy" type of friends. Nobody to go have a good time with. So, you all are my friends now. Oh Lordy.....welcome to my pity party I'm having.
Okay, that must be a sign to shut up for a while and get a grip. Come talk to me.....
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
