I am so sorry for what the exW pulled. I totally get your feelings of being angry and hurt, and grieving the time that you had cultivated with the kids which is now getting cut short. What's appalling about this is the unilateral move on exW's part and not consulting you on this.
One of the things that still grates me to this day is my time cut short with the kids. Even though we have 50-50 custody, I still feel that I am missing out. This feeling has dissipated over time, but what's been required is time and a shift in mindset for it. But first a few questions:
1. What is your custody split? 2. How are your ex-in-laws with the kids?
I know what I am going to offer right now is going to be difficult for you to see and digest, but having been longer in this game, my perspective has had time to marinate.
First and foremost, your feelings are valid. This seems like another stab to your heart and it is painful. I have no doubt about that. But as CW said, this is a lot about your feelings and grieving another loss to what you have already lost.
But here's the thing - think of this change as a positive move for your kids as they get to spend more time with the grandparents, assuming the relationship with them is good for the kids and they are caring and wonderful people. I have no family here and I have gone out of my way to strengthen my kids relationship with my ex-in-laws to create a sense of a larger family for the kids. My kids see my side of the family maybe once a year, with COVID it's been nothing for the last 18 months. So, to have connections with the larger family is going to be important for the kids. They will have more family stability in the future.
The other thing is, and I am completely speculating here is because I don't know your exW, that maybe she feels guilty about you bearing most of the burden for childcare. Especially when she needs to shoulder her part of it and if she's unable to, then make arrangements that will suitable for the children. That she shouldn't have to rely on you and it would be unfair in the co-parenting arrangement. I know it's hard to see her side of this, and maybe this perspective, but it's very possible that this could be her thinking.
Now the most difficult perspective, the one that took me a very long time to come to terms to. This additional time that you don't have the kids is the time for yourself. What are you going to do with this time? What opportunities might be now open to you in terms of work, GAL, dating etc because of this? I know it seems like a selfish perspective, but it's not. It's about recognizing that YOU are also important and this time could be well used for that.
Initially I just sulked around and didn't do anything. But after that got tiresome and predictable, I started thinking of how I could use the time to further myself as a person and as a father. I had to get past my emotions and feelings first and you have the full right to grieve this for some time.
The most egregious part of all of this is that you were not consulted and there was no amicable conversation around this change. But remember, it might be difficult to have this conversation on her part. It doesn't excuse it and she should've taken the responsibility to address it with you, but she didn't. Until you and her can get to a place where you can have conversations about such things, you'll have to remember that she's going to take unilateral decisions. And the unfortunate part about it is that you won't be able to control it, unless it violates the separation agreement or it is something that is not legal.
I am really sorry for what you're going through and I feel you on it. Take some time to take care of your heart and grieve.
The ultimate question I always ask myself - Is this better for the kids?
Sometimes the answer is not so clean and black and white, but it at least allows you to remove yourself from the equation and look at it with a bit of distance.
