Dearest Gerda, I am so sorry for the anguish you are suffering at the moment. I am sure the past few days have given you some time for your wise inner voice to break through some of the veneer of anger and injustice, but I just wanted to add my support.
DnJ has shared some really wise advice, all of which I agree with. I think one of the differences in his situation compared to yours, however, is that J's 'disappearance' mediated some of the abuse that you have experienced with your H. And from your writing, that abuse was present during the marriage and up to present day. Abusive situations require a different skill set to navigate. Triggers are not only emotional, but can viscerally recall the prior abuse and you may feel it in your whole body. I am not suggesting that a less abusive marriage doesn't also share the c-ptsd bodily response, but in your situation, you are literally in fight or flight mode with every single interaction (or interaction-by-proxy as with your children).
Here's your job at the moment, a very, very tough one, but necessary for you and your children: separate your abuse from the abuse you have witnessed your children suffer. When I read your post, it doesn't feel like you have differentiated the abuse you experienced from the abuse your children experienced. That worked for a while, you were mama-bear protecting your cubs and you HAD to lump it all together for you to survive. And you have done such a great job of it. So well, in fact, that your children are actually strong, healthy and stable enough to consider navigating a relationship with their father. What a wonderful thing you have done to have raised and protected your children so! Your job here is not done, invariably they will suffer at H's hand again in the future, but you have given them the tools they need for the moment and you will be present and loving in the future when they need your support in this arena.
So now is the time to differentiate. Allow them to practice using the tools you have given them. And take that additional time and mental space to do some deep work on yourself and healing your trauma. I don't remember if you are in therapy, but if not, find a really, really, really good trauma-informed therapist that specializes in narcissistic abuse. And lean in heartily (two or three times a week for a month or so if you can manage that) for as long as it takes for you to feel safe again. Within yourself. Because your children will betray you. Your H will betray you and if you can't differentiate what is theirs and what is yours, you will continue to suffer needlessly.
