Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

[DnJ]

Good Morning Gerda

(((Hug)))

Let me tell you of some more of my dark times. You always find solace in the realization that I experienced dark painful episodes as well.

Back when XW threw away her children I was left holding the bag on everything. It was so overwhelming. So horrible. So nasty to the kids. And, a my dark little secret, it was nice.

Sure I had all these emotions and problems and responsibilities, and I had no competition for parent of the year. XW checked out big time, which left me.

As horrible as all that was, it was nice. I also got used to it.

Children grow up. And they all found their relationship with their Mom. It is little wonder with my guidance and encouragement towards forgiveness. Yet, I felt betrayed somewhat. Yeah, I know. How irrational is that. I’m the one encouraging their forgiving and felt against it. Lol.

Of course, I know and realize feeling are fleeting, and worked my way through such irrational mire. XW behaved a certain way for years, and one gets used to that and expects that to be the way things are. Nothing remains static.

Currently, it seems XW is starting to perhaps question her reality, somewhat. That was revealed recently by S23. Again, a weird threat to my dominance as “the” parent. Haha. I do laugh at my self for these feelings. They are real, valid, and completely irrationally based.

To be transparent and open, these feelings are extremely fleeting. Lasting like a minute. I do not reinforce them. And they are not consuming, more of a twinge as they go off to see Mom for a few minutes after visiting me for the entire weekend, or occur while hearing about a phone call they had with her.

Of course, I’m in a very good space now. A few years ago things were different and I did get dragged around.

I don't even know how to behave around my own children now!

As a Mom or a Dad, we parents walk many paths simultaneously. Remain the loving Mom you are.

I love my kids. I let my kids go forth into the world. And I remain available, and love and support them as they find their own paths.

Gerda, let S16 work at his Dad’s restaurant. (You really can’t stop him anyhow.) Heck, you might as well encourage him to work there.

Encourage him to pursue his passions and interests. Encourage him to spend time with his Dad - presently for the moment that “encouragement” is more not discouraging him. Valid S16’s choices and decisions to work for his Dad.

I know that all hurts. While you are finding your way to reconcile this new information, continue to live and lead in the light. Your path still exists. You still need to walk. And you have D12’s journey to foster as well. Another hug. (((Hug))) It can get rather overwhelming at times.

I saw my MIL for the first time in years today. She was weeping the whole time and me 50% of the time.

I was at the cabin and my son was on his own. He had to go to H's restaurant and see H for the first time in over two years and MIL for the first time in more than three years. He didn't even tell me. When I got back, he told me and said he wanted to tell me in person and that he decided to do it because he felt it would be selfish not to go. He even called his therapist before he went.

He got his learners permit on Monday. So I let him drive afterwards.

This is a short update.

So proud of my son.

Families need to be there when grief hits. And this whole D nightmare is making it very hard to navigate. But maybe it will somehow help my kids at least reconnect with their grandmother.

My MIL, after that first meeting where we cried and I listened to her and then sent many kind messages and offers to see her, went back to her same ways, not answering me anymore, rarely seeing the children…

MIL just lost her husband. She reached out, and as grief progressed, return to herself. It’s a month since her husband’s death. She’ll be somewhere in the anger stage right now. Who do you think she is going to lash out to? How do you think she’d express her anger and frustration? You are a target. Everyone around her would be target. God always gets a blast or two during such processing of loss as well.

I felt so bad. So so so bad. After everything that has happened, all I did to feed and house my kids against these odds, with cancer, with loneliness, with a husband who went truly insane or turned out always to be insane, with being left with all the debts, being broke, keeping this place running through Covid, trying to love my kids and feed them and bearing their displaced rages at me out of love for them, now my son who was so difficult and seemed to finally be coming out of it is WORKING for this man instead of just receiving from this man the money he OWES his son as a father providing for his son -- and treating me so bad, so many secrets, so much dysfunction, and I am just so lonely in this moment, and just terrified about it getting even worse, that my kids will start doing that, recreating our old life in this restaurant, hanging out with their friends there, believing the lies H and his mother will feed them about me, and all the while I am trapped in the endless litigation, my efforts to resolve using the agreement we already made or another one just like it or another one even better, all of them ignored.

Finally told him that I thought it was great to connect with his Dad again but that he should not have to earn financial support, that his Dad should be helping him and let him focus on school. He told me that he didn't care, that was my problem, he liked working there, etc. I said that all the secrecy and keeping me uninformed about what he was doing was not right and made it really hard for me in court -- and then I said a couple things, e.g., that his dad had claimed S lived with him, etc., -- he just got more and more defiant and told me to deal with my own sh%t.

H doesn’t owe S16 money. H owes you money. You raise son and H owes you. Keep son out of that transaction.

By the way, son is 16 and wants to earn his way, earn his finances. That is a good thing.

And, although S16 was crass, he was right when saying deal with your own sh%t.

Ah, parenting. Those simultaneous paths. Our kids, thankfully, have a different view than us. It is at times hard to be that role model.

You cannot imagine the horrible things I want to say to S16. I feel so betrayed by him. I know that is my own wound speaking and I won't say anything to him of course but I might have to avoid him entirely to avoid saying something hurtful out of the hurt I am feeling. I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out until all of this is over. I feel so terrible. Just sitting here trying to pray and to find the light again and crying my head off.

Yes, I can imagine the horrible thing you’d like to say to S16. I’ve uttered some during my low times, and I still regret the looks I caused upon the faces of my son and daughter. Two specific times of unmeasured words being uttered and causing unwarranted and unneeded pain in my kids. Yeah, I’ve got a few times a truly do regret.

So what to do? Get up, dust off, and step back into the light.

I am so sad and so broken and I feel so mad at them and don't want to!

Feeling will flit.

Your anger, if you don’t yet realize, is a stage of grief. Grief? What you talking about DnJ? The irrational loss of your kids to H.

We all default and see things in a binary manner at first. Son can work and be with Dad, and still be with you. It’s not either or.

You anger is normal and understandable. And there is plenty going on in your life - litigation, cabin, work, paying bills, putting food on the table, raising good kids, and so much more. Breathe and be gentle on yourself.

D