Brave Little Gerda Knows More Now

[Gerda]

Friends. I am so broken tonight.

It has been a horrible few weeks. My MIL, after that first meeting where we cried and I listened to her and then sent many kind messages and offers to see her, went back to her same ways, not answering me anymore, rarely seeing the children but when she did, going directly to my children to manipulate them into going to H's restaurant. My daughter kept refusing and at one point my MIL sort of tricked her into going into H's apartment when he wasn't there, very traumatizing.

Then I heard that H had hired S16's best friend, the son of the broker mentioned before. (And by the way, the nickname I gave him was a sort of translation of his actual name. That private joke with myself is a way I can stay sane, and I think it's fine to laugh with old friends (you) about the wicked characters in this fairy tale. I would not say that to my kids or ppl IRL) First S16 was really angry and embarrassed and told me he was going to tell H not to hire him. And then I heard that S16 had been going there more and was considering working there too.

All this was happening while I was filing a motion to change custody and trying to get interim child support, etc. All of my papers, already turned in, talked about how H hadn't seen his son in two years. All these meetings, hiring S16, etc., all was done in secret and neither S16 nor H ever told me about it. And during these weeks, S16 started treating me so horribly, so so horribly -- it was like living with H -- including the never-home, never-answering phone all the way down to the disgust, the insults, the scorn, etc.

Then last week I was in the hospital. It was a bit of an emergency and related to the cancer drug I am on, which increases the risk of another kind of cancer. That day, I was supposed to have a conference on a motion I filed to change custody. That morning I wrote to tell the parties that I was having a medical emergency and would have to adjourn. Later that night, when I came home, I saw the flurry of e-mails exchanged that morning about rescheduling, asking again about a trial date, etc. Only the court attorney said anything my being in the hospital, just literally four words.

Not the death of his own father, not me being in the hospital could cause any change in the focus of these people -- focus on destruction and avoiding any provision, even the most basic child support for our kids.

I had to file a notice of appeal before 30 days had passed, so I did that the last two days. I still hope and pray we settle or have a trial before the appeal is heard but if we don't, I had to protect myself.

D12 then started saying she wanted to see her dad for breakfast to see how it went. So I wrote to H and his lawyer saying that she wanted to do that, and offering again a custody agreement that started with the breakfasts and worked its way up to increased visits over time. No response. D12 texted her dad but he mostly did not answer, waited many days and then wrote one of his weird overly cutesy middle school romance kind of texts. And in the meantime was hiring my son and his best friend, making plans with them, etc., all without my knowing anything about it.

Then one night one of the other mothers told me that all the guys were going to S16's Dad's restaurant, and how fun that was.

Today I had to be in court filing a bunch of papers, and on my way out another email from H's lawyer threatening and posturing.

And then tonight I could not get my son to return my calls and I didn't know where he was. And finally he did text me back and said he was working. I asked, "Working out?" (He is really into working out now and I bought him an expensive gym membership for his birthday.) And he wrote back, "No, at the restaurant." And then he added, "temporarily," I guess somehow to try to show he wasn't totally being bought by his dad.

I felt so bad. So so so bad. After everything that has happened, all I did to feed and house my kids against these odds, with cancer, with loneliness, with a husband who went truly insane or turned out always to be insane, with being left with all the debts, being broke, keeping this place running through Covid, trying to love my kids and feed them and bearing their displaced rages at me out of love for them, now my son who was so difficult and seemed to finally be coming out of it is WORKING for this man instead of just receiving from this man the money he OWES his son as a father providing for his son -- and treating me so bad, so many secrets, so much dysfunction, and I am just so lonely in this moment, and just terrified about it getting even worse, that my kids will start doing that, recreating our old life in this restaurant, hanging out with their friends there, believing the lies H and his mother will feed them about me, and all the while I am trapped in the endless litigation, my efforts to resolve using the agreement we already made or another one just like it or another one even better, all of them ignored.

You cannot imagine the horrible things I want to say to S16. I feel so betrayed by him. I know that is my own wound speaking and I won't say anything to him of course but I might have to avoid him entirely to avoid saying something hurtful out of the hurt I am feeling. I just want to crawl under a rock and not come out until all of this is over. I feel so terrible. Just sitting here trying to pray and to find the light again and crying my head off.