We share many similar worldviews. And your concept of 'feelings are fleeting' has been a guiding light to me in this process. I deeply respect your decision to stand for yourself and your vows and how that defines who you are a person in this world.
H is an atheist (think Christopher Hitchens) and I am spiritual, but not religious. Our vows reflected this and eliminated wording about man and wife and death do us part and forever and ever, amen (and obviously we weren't married in a church; H would have walked away if God were asked to be a witness, etc). Our vows reflected us at the time: love, honor, respect, openly resolving our differences and allowing and accepting each other as we are, encouraging growth and supporting our differences. I guess when I really read our vows, I can honor them with or without him as my H, whether I have a new partner in my life or not. And not in the funny-business way of finding a loophole, but in the truest sense of how we wrote and intended those vow to represent us. I am still living and honoring my vows, and always will.
The 'filling a hole' has been something I have been acutely aware of since this whole process started. That I could never re-partner until the H-sized hole in my life was filled back in with only me. And I honestly thought that would never really happen; my love for him was so big, the hole so gaping. But inch by inch that hole has filled. It will never be flush, thank goodness, because what would be the point of life if not to continually grow? But that hole isn't a vortex, nor do I really notice it much anymore. It's just me, being me these days.
I am no longer standing for H or my M. I am standing purely for me.
Another area that I have spent a long time considering is whether it is fair to introduce someone into my life at this stage. The baggage (no matter how light it may or may not be) of the impending, molasses-moving D isn't really fair to hoist on to another person. But then again, who am I to 'save' another person? My caretaking days are slowly receding. (And by caretaking, I mean in the disordered sense, where I feel it is my responsibility to minister for, cater to and protect/save people from their poor decisions or behavior, even if that poor decision is choosing me.) What if a man falls madly in love with me, and me him, tomorrow? (work with me here) Do I choose to deny my love and deflect his, only because I have too much baggage? Hmmm... I am going to leave this open-ended because I don't know how I feel about all of this and welcome thoughts.
And then the largest conundrum for me is the likelihood that my next R will be a rebound R. Oh, heavens, how terrible for this next person! Who should have to sign up for that?
This is all a long-winded way of defining my current state: I am not sure I am seeking, but I am not sure I would turn down a potential love interest.
Paco, you are so wise. I loved your definition of loneliness vs LONELINESS. I think I would politely decline the former and potentially welcome the latter should it land in my lap. I guess that's the best definition of where I am at the moment.
Big hugs to all, thanks for your vulnerable, beautiful replies.
