I am so curious how all you wise-ones have navigated these feelings.
Realize these are feelings. They are not permanent. Not forever. And will most definitely change.
Once you realize that, it become rather obvious to not make any life altering decisions based upon them. You then work through the feelings. Perhaps it will help to know there is something beyond the desire and current yearnings.
Still, feelings are real and valid. They harken to what is within our subconscious self. And that take some time to discover and sort out.
How did I navigate these feelings?
It started with realizing I am alone not lonely.
I then proceeded on to the inner work. I had a W sized hole left in my soul after BD. As I grew and healed and the pieces got put back together, the hole disappeared. It is not ignored, or filled in, or covered over. It is, for lack of anything better - accepted. Forgiveness has many benefits, and promoting healing is one of them.
An other conscious strategy was not to date. To not give in to my feelings. To follow my beliefs and values. You’d be surprised at how many people do not agree with my views regarding vows. Or maybe you’d not be surprised. At any rate, if I could easily dismiss my vow, what does my word mean?
For me, breaking a vow is a big thing. If one can just break that, what chance does their lesser promises have. For better or worse. Till death do us part. We all said something along those lines. Mine didn’t have any exit clause or loop hole. I meant it.
One of my most rigorous views and realizations is that we humans have an incredible, almost infinite capacity for justification. We can justify any position or belief we want to. Consider: I was too young when we were married. I didn’t leave or cause this divorce. I never meant for any of this to happen. I’m too young to be single. We are separated. I am going to divorce. Divorce is just a piece of paper. And so on. It pretty easy to find one’s way to believe things.
My views are more factual based. I never thought it correct for one to date someone else while married. I’ve upheld that viewpoint (and many others) in my personal life. And have had many critics. Seems I’m rather old fashion when it comes to morals and loyalty and my solemn word. Lol.
Anyhow, I’m ok with the criticism. When everyone is running off a cliff, the one guy running the other way appears wrong.
I’m not telling you what you should do. I’m just probing your beliefs so you make well informed decisions and choices. We all live with the benefits and consequences of our choices.
And that is another way I navigated my feelings. Realizing my choices.
Dating does get talked about quite a bit. I’ve read plenty of folk’s threads and journeys regarding their exploits. If I may offer something.
Do not date to fill some void. That does not work. Void, loneliness, unhappiness, sadness, bitterness, etc all come from within. External will not alleviate that.
Also fulfillment, contentment, joy, happiness, forgiveness, etc all come from within. External will not create that.
Most of us have a list or realization of traits that we are looking for. And ones we will turn down. Red flags and other issues that highlight being incompatible. Folks are busy looking for someone rather than being someone. Become the person you desire. Be that person and exhibit those traits you hold dear. There is far less looking for someone to fill a void when you have filled it. Yet another navigation tool I found useful traversing these new waters.
This is not a matter of right or wrong. Moral or immoral. As you well know there are many different views out there. It is a matter of what do you want. What do you value. What do you and how do you want to live. What do you stand for. Or want to stand for.
For me I’ve listened to the feedback of my life. What we put out to the universe comes back many fold over. I am single, happy, and content. My kids love and respect me. I do live a pretty great life.
Live in the light and the light will live and shine within you.
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
