For awhile during IHS/affair she was extremely nasty to then D1, and hasn't acted in the best interest of the kids, but hopefully that's changing.
Nasty to a D1?! How sad. I'm glad to hear that may be turning around! And likewise, I find posting here often helps me work out what I'm struggling with emotionally.
Yep. I don't know if it was a postpartum thing, issues ExW had w/her mom surfacing, guilt of the affair, or just bitterness/resentment about me also directed at our daughter...etc., but she treated our daughter much different at a young age than our older son.
ExW would snap at (then) D1, not go to and comfort her, tell me not to go to her when she was crying or having a meltdown (for the record I did not comply and told ExW straight out I would go pick up hug my daughter when she was crying, standing up to ExW despite be being scared at the time about the affair and marriage).
The good news is that from what I can tell it seems to have corrected. She appears more engaged and caring with now D3 than before - though I can't say what happens at her house - so hopefully for my daughter's sake whatever was going on to cause that behavior has stopped. I do wonder at times if there was some underlying issue (postpartum, whatever) which drove BD and the affair, but who knows.
Me:39 Ex-W:37 M:7 T: 9 S:6 D:3 BD/IHS/Confirm EA/PA: Feb '20 OM1 affair ends: May '20 W/OM2 & moves out: June-July '20 W files for D: Jul20 OM2 confirmed: 9/2020 Divorced: May '21
