I have spent so, so many hours on this board and reading other people’s situations. Bluwave, if you ever read these threads you have been an absolute godsend to me. I have read your entire history. Your words are so full of compassion and intelligence, you have got me through these dark times. But there are so many others on this board whose stories and thoughts are immeasurable in their strength and wisdom.
The last couple of weeks have continued to be a rollercoaster, but I am learning to love the highs but be aware when the lows are looming.
I opened my separate bank account which, together with seeing an old friend the previous night and filling him in with the latest, left me raw. Unfortunately, as I was driving home I received a text from the W saying she was round and packing up more stuff. I made the cardinal sin of falling apart in front of her, and going against everything that I have learned on these forums. I tried to control how bereft I was feeling, but told her that although I am accepting that from her our relationship is over, I really, REALLY didn’t want this. Jeez, I was a mess, and am embarrassed at how weak I must have looked. Fuch it. I made a mistake. I will get there.
Since then, I have been actually really fine. Maybe I needed those last tears to seal it, and am now feeling controlled and resigned to whatever happens now.
I still see her around at school, which hurts. She came into my lesson a couple of days ago with her class, and looked dreadful. This was due to a stomach upset, and went home sick later that day. I had conflicting thoughts of a) texting her to hope she feels better and b) not contacting her as isn’t this the consequence of leaving a marriage and not having your partner give support? It was like having the angel and devil on each shoulder. Although I will probably get slammed on here for admitting this, I do want to be compassionate with everyone, so I sent the text.
Our mutual friends have been absolutely awesome, and even though they are supporting us both, they seem to have gravitated towards me more and more. They have been arranging lots of good fun things to do for which I am immensely grateful for.
On the health front, I am continuing to be fabulous and receiving a lot of flattering remarks from people.
Today I am strong. I feel as if I am turning a corner, and all I want now is for her to file for divorce so that I can really move forward. Do I still want the marriage to work? Hell yes, but I am resigned to the situation, and although still gutted, I do know that I WILL be OK. Today I am on the top of the rollercoaster. I’m pretty sure that the low dips may come, but I am getting more used to dealing with these.
I WILL be OK. It will take time, but roll with the good feelings.
