Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[AndrewP]

Hi Sage - I don't know if I've ever posted to you or not.

Your feelings of loneliness are familiar though. I'm a bit over 5 years out, completely divorced and living alone with my cat in what was the marital home. I have zero contact with my XW and haven't had any meaningful contact with her since I think Dec 2016.

I did date a couple of women and it got serious quite fast but didn't last for a variety of reasons that don't matter on this thread. Like DnJ, we were that "cute couple" who still held hands everywhere they went even as our hair turned to grey.

Initially the absence of my XW (which I'm saying differently from loneliness) was a painful experience. The everyday things that were shared no longer were. Like someone wrote to me a long time ago, it's as if a part of yourself is torn out leaving a gaping hole. In time, that hole that that person occupied did fill in for me as I grew into just being "AndrewP" and not part of a couple.

There are still bad days when I want to reach out to the empty spot on the other side of the bed, turn to that empty passenger seat in the car, listen to someone talk about how their day went, make them a cup of coffee. I don't have that.

After the last bad experience, I did learn that it was better to be alone than with someone who was not good for me and at this point am not looking. I honestly don't know if I will again. I have good friends who I don't see often enough, a career that keeps me occupied mentally (far too much most days it seems), and my cat who would prefer if I didn't work so much. But it's not the same I know as that "someone" who you and I no longer have.

I'm not familiar with your story but from DnJ's comment it would appear that you are "standing" and holding space for your former partner. My own opinion is that dating someone else isn't fair to either yourself or that person if your preference is for someone else, whether that's a realistic hope or not.

It is only after that door is firmly closed and the light in the window that was left on for them turned off that I would suggest looking for another "someone". There are a lot of damaged people out there though and finding the "right" someone FOR YOU requires patience and resilience.

In the meantime, the loneliness is there. Many of us understand what you are feeling. Accept that it exists but also know that it is your choice alone on how you deal with that. For me, what I do is like when I felt the anger is to accept the emotion, absorb it and then let it go. Distractions can help but I like to face things head-on and deal with them.

((Sage))