Gerda, you and DnJ and Hope and May (whom I know offline) have been such solice to me this past week. Thank you for the support and encouragement and love.
I have a lot to update, but not the mental energy to do so. But the one thought that I woke up to the other morning was a sense of loneliness. Specifically from physical intimacy (not necessarily sex, though that would be nice). I realized that the past 19 months have been the longest I have ever gone since the age of 13 where I didn't hold a boy (or man's) hand, or kiss someone or cuddle or engage in pillow-talk. Maybe it is a reclaiming of my post-breakup womanhood (though I was hardly a woman when I held my first crushes' hand on the back of that 4-wheeler in Alaska at 13). I have had a lot of dry periods in my life, where the need for self-actualization was more urgent than the need for intimacy, but even during those eras, I still flirted or felt I had opportunities and was making a conscious choice to abstain.
I am not interested in online dating. I have been on a blind date or two set up by loving friends, which I can internally justify as 'making new friends' or 'potential business investor' so not really the same thing, and didn't lead to much, likely from my end.
I am not sure if I am looking for answers or solidarity or just sharing my current state of mind. I would love to kiss someone, or hold someone's hand or cuddle. I have been advised that my D will likely take a long time to be final, so I am not sure that is a benchmark that makes sense for me to wait for at this point. I thought I would be so pure and so true and not do a thing until years after the D, but I am feeling so alive at the moment. All the self-work I have been doing the past 2 years, all the child-first parenting I have been doing, has paid dividends and now that most accounts are (nearly) full, I am yearning for more.
I am so curious how all you wise-ones have navigated these feelings.
