So the last therapy session went rough. The therapist wants us to do list of the talking. It’s more of an interrogatation. I ask a question and she gives me 2 word answers. I ask her open ended questions like, tell me about your school day? She will answer, I don’t know. Then I say can you tell me how your classes are going. I get, good. Tell me about your teachers? She replies, they are fine.
Wolfman, can I offer a suggestion? As a mother to four, in the midst of a D, I was the gatekeeper for all my children's daily comings and goings and all the external fixings of their lives. For their entire lives. Not by choice, but by survival. H traveled a lot for work and didn't (and honestly probably still doesn't) know the names of our children's teachers, or all the sports' coaches etc. We are working on correcting that, but honestly, it is public information that any parent has access to, even ones without custody.
The questions you are asking are ripe for such responses from your D. Superficial and perfunctory. But what if you knew who she had as her algebra teacher? What if you knew what soccer coach she had? You could ask much more leading questions like 'where do you sit in algebra class with Mr D? Is he sooo boring and only calls on the kids in the front of the class? And soccer coach x? Is she a fair coach that lets all the kids play or does she have favorites?' These sorts of questions tell your D that you are invested, if even from afar. That you actually know what is going on in her life, that you actually care enough to follow it.
I find that in my non-custody time with my kids, we have nightly conversations (instigated by them) where I am able to ask relevant questions about their day-to-day lives because I am keeping up with their day-to-day lives, even if I am not seeing them daily. It takes a lot of work on my part to know what they're up to, but the dividends are huge. H doesn't prioritize that. So when he calls on my custody time, he asks them what they've been up to. Which they are too bored or exhausted to catch him up on, and the conversation sizzles.
Keep the conversation relevant by doing your homework up front. Ask questions that let her know you are keeping up with her, whether she wants you to or not. It proves to her that no matter how long-armed-length she keeps you, nothing will deter YOU from knowing HER. It's the ultimate declaration of love, a la The Runaway Bunny book (if you become a sailboat, I will become the wind to guide you back to me).
You've got a lot on your plate. But investments made now will produce dividends in the future and are totally worth it. Keep trying, keep failing, and get up and try again. Ignore the fact of whether parental alienation is present or not, it matters not a whit in the end-game of a relationship with your daughter. A legal definition is only that at the end of the day. Only you have control of what your relationship will be with D.
