I am really enjoying the continuation of this conversation.
I had an epiphany today while speaking to my L about some details in our D. My H has some serious cognitive dissonance, to the point where I am concerned about there being a legitimate mental health issue running the cogs behind the scene. I could have spent some time explaining to my L where my concerns were and what I believed was going on, but in the end, no matter how disordered, mentally healthy or unhealthy another person is, the reality is that the truth still lays between their narrative and yours. Whether evenly in the middle, or only one degree off, anything but complete agreement of the facts is going to skew the actual truth. Which left me with the realization that it just doesn't matter how far off-base a person is, we can only work with what is in front of us, whether 99 degrees or 1 degree off, it's still off and we have to meet them where they are at.
Which then leads full circle back to the only person you can control is yourself. So, tell me how do you want to live your one wild and precious life? (Mary Oliver)
Personally, I want to grow from this situation that broke my heart in a million pieces, irrevocably changed the course of my future and that of my children, but I also choose life. And for me, life is more than reflecting on the past and how I could be a better person in my M with H, bean counting the (ever changing) degrees of differences in our narratives and truths, as I was wont to do in an attempt to better myself. For me, life is choosing to take a forest view of the trees and say 'hmm, other people have also said they struggle with me in this arena, I should pay attention' and leave the rest behind as an opinion of one and stop allowing H to define the degrees of differences between us. This allows me the space to just live my way into the answers, allows H his truths and me mine, without conflict or animosity.
For me, this is true detachment. I used to believe detachment meant I wouldn't care at all what H thought or felt. I know now that for me, this may never be true. I may always care, always feel. But if I can separate me and mine from him and his, truly listen and take the truths that I need to accommodate, and leave the rest, I will be able to move on confidently into healing and finding happiness.
