Oh, Gigi, I complete relate on the kid front, it's so hard! I have been navigating some similar things with my kiddos and here are some lessons I have learned along the way:
1. Be the strong, stable parent who is always available to lend an ear when needed (you're nailing this one)
2. Beyond encouraging your child to talk to Daddy himself, offer language to help him navigate those conversations. Role play where you are Daddy and he is child. Kiddo may not be able to talk to Dad for a while, but the language you give him will stick and could be useful for other relationships in the future.
3. Considered getting kiddo into therapy, all the better if Dad is willing to go to family therapy with your child. I listened to a fascinating podcast where a child psychologist was interviewed (look up Dr Kolewicz on Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard). He talks about how most parents wait too long (like YEARS too long) to seek help for their child. He is primarily referencing depression and anxiety, but those two conditions, like almost all of them, have much better outcomes in children when addressed early before their brains are more developed.
4. Another benefit with therapy is that the therapist can be the person to address the concern with the other parent so you don't have to. When I have gotten involved and spoken to my children's father about my concerns (which were legitimate and factual), it ended up in a triangulation between father, me and child, and the conversation shut down.
5. And the reality of the situation is that this is the child's path to navigate with their other parent. The downside? It hurts to watch your child suffer emotionally. The upside? Your child is gaining tools early in life that they will use for the rest of their life. My children are learning tools that I am just now learning in my 40's. They have 30 years on me in this regard and I am grateful for this.
Hugs to you and your sweet children, this is hard stuff, but we can all do hard things.
