Still learning, but leaning into the future...

[Gerda]

Gerda, want to co-author something with me?

Yes. Seriously. We should.

But you have never left me a crumb. I have been thinking about doing it on youtube actually. I already have started a channel on some other things I do -- not that I have more than like three followers but I think if I worked on it for real I could make it something great. And I think I could help a lot of women, you too. If you are serious, let's explore.

I am having a similar time of grief about the horrors of this world. And there have been huge developments in my nightmare, all of them worse than the ones before, but I haven't had time/energy to write them here. I have been on a sort of silent retreat, just grieving and praying. Plus all the developments which I will talk about at some point on my thread.

All we can do is walk in light.

Which you did. This log leaping in the glorious dusk is the summer version of ice skating -- looking ahead to where you want to go, my lovelies! You sound like a magical mother truly. You are doing it, you are creating the light for your kids, you are the anchor, they will always look back at how you walked through this horror with grace and love. Think about a mother in Afghanistan right now, or Syria or anywhere going through some version of H$ll. Would we ever doubt her beauty and love as a mother just because the world she is living in is horrific? Love is our only purpose, I think we can't look for a different reality to enact that. You aren't, but you are feeling paralyzed, and robbed. You were robbed, but you also weren't. You may have been chosen for these kids because you are the mom who would link arms in the twilight and leap off a log into the freezing water and tuck them in cozy afterwards. There are moms who would be bitter and rageful and passed out on the couch from various prescribed psychotropics. That's what I grew up with.

It's good that you figured all this out about what you want/need/project.

But I think it's better to cut and run. Get what you can quickly. Once you are free you'll be able to do so much more than you can now. I doubt your H will be eager to help you achieve your dreams. That's why he left, cause he's not. He doesn't care about your dreams. Nor mine. Mine wants me dead, I think. Gives me not a penny. And yet I have made tiny inroads into achieving dreams that I put aside for so long. Get a deal quickly, and then you'll have the freedom to get to work on those dreams.

Crumb me!