WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont9.)

[LH19]

Not sure I 100% agree here. There a distinction between an dating relationship and a marriage. Imo, people should work to save a marriage because it's a vow and meant to be a commitment for life.

The problem BL is it takes two people to honor that commitment.

I don't necessarily between it's a codependency to not want a D. That said, our MC for a few sessions did tell me "what does it say about you that you want to be with someone who betrayed you?", and that will always stick out in my mind.

Your MC is a very wise person.

At the time while I didn't want the betrayal I also didn't want to "fail at the marriage" and get divorced.

Mainly because of fear. What will it do to the kids? Will I be able to find another person? Can I afford to life alone and pay child support?

However, I now recognize if one person is hell bent on it ending there's usually not much a LBS can do to reason or "fight" it, and may be better off accepting and letting go.

Not "may" be better. Will be better.

In regards to #2, I think that is an important point. The LBS is not without faults, which they certainly should work on, but unless there's a major issue it's often "not about you" and more about the WS/WAS. Again, accept your faults and work on them but don't necessarily put the burden of the affair/D on yourself because in many cases it's not.

BL you didn't cause your W to cheat on you. That was her choice and her choice only.

as an aside, it sVcks to be an LBS, but I also think it sVcks to be the WS, who allowed themselves to become a liar and a cheater and justified it to themselves. It is a hard road back, I think, once/if the fog clears and you see your own behavior in the light of day.

99% of the time they didn't allow themselves to become a liar and a cheater. It's who they are it's in there DNA due most likely to learned behavior. They think lying and cheating is normal.

I think we should all give ourselves a break, especially those going through the hardest parts right now. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to go through all these emotional swings and this is the best place to come and dump so that you don't act on emotion IRL. My recommendation to Scott would be to maybe read some of DnJ's thread and especially his recent posts on BL42's thread. As other posters above have said, you don't want to end up bitter and jaded. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Don't do that. Figure out how to let it go.

This will come in time naturally.

Anyway, for many probably easier to keep moving and blaming others. Regardless, I think the basic thing to remember is-- it is all out of your control, anyway. They'll do it or they won't, and it is a waste of your time and energy to spend a lot of time thinking about it. Spend that time and energy on yourself (and your kids). You deserve it.

Good stuff!