5 years pieced & COVID SIP has silver linings

[may22]

Hi Blu,

This is all such great stuff. thank you for continuing to share.

In/re the NMMNG stuff-- you're right in that this is not something that fits my H. However, I was more remembering that the book had resonated with your H as being part of the unhealthy dynamic prior to the affair (and possibly a factor that led to it?) I recalled him making some big changes that helped him (and you) a lot, and I was curious to know if he had stuck with those changes or if he'd slipped back into old patterns. I'd also be curious to know more about how you two have improved your communication. Have you simply developed healthier/more open channels of communication, or are you (either or both) intentional about it? I also remember a year or more ago, you had some frustrations regarding date nights (am I remembering that correctly?) Is that better? Or just not an issue right now with covid and all the rest? It seems like covid has brought you guys closer generally.

Regarding the anger.... I'm glad you pushed me there, you and others. I needed it. It was buried and I was honestly afraid to access it because it would consume me. (A moment of wistfulness for AlisonUK, who helped me so much in walking that path of understanding and experiencing my anger without letting it take over (most days . I wish she was still here.)

It's actually funny-- I was reading through my threads from last summer, because I was trying to figure out when it's actually been a year since we had our final come to Jesus moment. OMG. He was such a pathetic, sorry, sad sack of a man-- no wonder you guys were all so bewildered that I wanted to stay married to him. LOL. I think maybe some of my anger was also absent because this just wasn't HIM in front of me-- instead of the cruel alien H some people get, this was a wimpy, sorry excuse for a man and I both didn't really recognize my H in him but also it is kind of hard to be mad at someone who is so weak and lame, unable to make any real decisions on his own. It is helpful to go back and see how far we've come, and especially to see how different he is now than he was a year ago.

The last thing I think about anger is that I was so wholly focused on keeping a two parent household for my children that I simply couldn't afford to be angry. I had to put every bit of energy into controlling my own emotions, trying to DB, and trying to be the best mom I could be to them. It wasn't until I started to feel a bit more safe, I think, and realize that the danger (as I perceived it at the time) to my children was no longer so immediate, that I was able to relax a bit and let myself feel angry over what my H did to me and almost did to my kids.

DnJ-- he's really incredible. I'll paste a couple of posts below. This first one is from Sage's thread on MLC:

Indeed your primal nature, your beliefs, are core to you - and are slow to change. It that slow changing nature that makes these tenets such good heading to follow. Emotions can change, and do change, quickly. Following those is the bane of our crisis spouses; don't want to go down that kind of a road.

So where do I go from here?

Get in your intellectual car, and consider, think, about your values, your beliefs, your nature. Reflect upon them. Strengthen those that you like, are honourable, serve you, and feed your soul. Alter or discard those beliefs that run counter to the view you want.

Look to others you admire, respect, and would like to emulate. Consider their beliefs and how those deep values have shaped them and lead them to their life. Consider if that is a role model you would like to follow.

Take your time with this process, this is some deep soul digging. It takes consistent effort to alter those deep held values within you. Now, I suspect most of your values will be strengthened, few will require altering, and very few will require discarding. However, the codependent beliefs are ones that do need to get tossed out.

This is along those lines of we teach ourselves how to teach others how to treat us.


The mechanics for crafting, altering, and strengthening a belief:

There are four 'cars' or paths or facets of your life - physical, intellectual, emotional, spiritual. Of those, one can only directly control physical and intellectual. We can only influence emotional and spiritual, not directly control them.

All four paths influence each other. Our emotions can cause certain thoughts; when we get angry our thoughts turn to anger vindictive ideas. Our physical actions also cause certain feelings and thoughts and beliefs. Consider when we smile, a feeling of happiness comes from seemingly nowhere.

Do it. Smile right now. See how you suddenly feel better?

Now frown. A deep solid frown. Big bottom lip. Good. You probably also, without thought, dragged your eyebrows down and even growled a bit. And of course your feelings followed along.

Smile again. It feels better. smile

Feelings change quickly. And are easily influenced. I just had you run from happy to mad to happy within seconds.

Feelings are fleeting. They are real and temporary, unless they are reinforced.

The physical car: One can purposefully perform physical actions that promote good emotions and beliefs. For example, living a peaceful life. Close the cupboard door gently - every single time. Just enough force to have it close silently and almost elegantly. That single little action, such a minor behaviour, accumulates, spreads to other parts of your life, and has a huge impact.

The intellectual car: Intellect is where you will produce the most gains. This is the wheelhouse of influence. Even your physical behaviours start here. This is the stronghold of mental assertiveness and rational thought. Thoughts influence everything.

We can directly control our intellectual self. This control produces thoughts and actions which influence our emotions and beliefs. This is the kernel of wisdom that allows one to strengthen, alter, or discard their beliefs.

The emotional car: Emotions are born with our subconscious. They are irrational by nature. Emotions are easily influenced, and often without the realization of the influencing. Feelings and emotions are a large part of what makes up a healthy person. We are rational / irrational creatures. It is needed to spend some time within this car and examine our emotions. However, it is good practice to influence when we do this, for how long, and for which events.

With practice it gets to a point where it 'feels' like one can actually control their emotions. This control is actually true, the mechanism is not direct though; it is influence, and the accepting of that influence.

The spiritual car: Spirit, faith, belief, convictions, values - our core self. This is our deepest self. This binds everything else. Our spiritual path is influenced by everything we do, think, and feel; and influences everything we do, think, and feel.

Getting a handle on one's beliefs and values is a enlightening view. It is quite incredible to actually meet yourself for the first time. It takes a very traumatic experience to knock one out of their routine enough for them to examine who they are deep down.

An LBS has an incredible opportunity seldom afforded to others. And for those who avail themselves to this opportunity, do the inner work and craft themselves - They Become.

Do make the most of it. The benefits are so worth it. One does look back upon this time, these efforts, and the changes they make, as the blessings they are.

Currently your beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and behaviours are not in sync. Imagine when they are. Imagine when your four cars are travelling together side by side and not spread out along the path. Imagine what that will be like.

I spoke of mental assertiveness. This is intellect. This is us exercising our control. Mental assertiveness is sword and shield.

Keep you sword sharp and use it to cut through the projections, blame, and justifications. Cleave yourself from H and his path. Your sharp sword is your mightiest weapon and tool in your arsenal. Use it with compassion. Use it for detachment and to find indifference.

Keep your shield bright and polished. This is your mental defence against the onslaught of H and from within. Your shield is strong and broad. It protects you from H's rewritten narrative and your self-doubts and fears.

Mental assertiveness is your most powerful force at your direct control; and must be wielded with compassion. That caution is, like everything else, for you.

An example of the actual mechanics for strengthening and altering a belief.

Stop speak and thinking of H as a d!ckhead, and having d!ckish behaviour. Do not speak of H disparagingly anymore. This is not about H being deserving or not of those thought - it's about you.

Remember, craft and strengthen that which serves and feed your soul.

Disparaging thoughts and comments seem like they detach one. This is short lived. Those thoughts influence feelings. Disparaging turn to resentment. Resentment is attachment. One is firmly attached to that which they resent.

You want your detachment to live within your spiritual realm, to be part of that which you believe and influences everything within your life. To detach, one needs compassion.

Remember - counterintuitive.

Compassion, understanding, empathy, all leads towards forgiveness. Forgiveness is freeing.

When one is free from resentment, vengeance, retribution, grudges, judgemental thoughts, and so on, they are detached.

This is very counterintuitive and people usually strengthen beliefs that influence those traits of resentment, judgement, retribution, and so on. Forgiveness is something that seldom is ever found.

Looking within one's self and seeing those beliefs, and then doing something proactive to alter them, is such a good thing. A good for you thing!

Sage, I empathize for where you find yourself. The internal bargaining and attempting to hold on. (((Sage))) Believe me. Really - believe. It's ok to let go. It's ok.

Believe - compassion and kindness. Detachment and indifference. Compassionate indifference.

D

I read this so many times. It made sense to me. But I had a hard time putting it into actual practice, particularly around my beliefs and values. I did some work identifying my values (both at work and at home) and this also helped me with waiting out feelings/emotion.

But it wasn't until I read what he recently posted on BL's thread (https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2921516#Post2921516) that something finally clicked for me. I think it was the part about seeking justice, which is oh so tempting of a pit to fall into... and I suddenly realized, that isn't me. I'm not a bitter, angry person seeking vengeance. I believe in the ability of people to grow and change. I believe in forgiveness. And I need to actually practice these beliefs through my thoughts and behaviors, and let go of the idea of justice.

Life isn't fair. My H cheated on me. I am still dealing with the aftereffects of that betrayal. It rocked my whole world. But at some point I need to let go of my anger and my feeling that this was all so unfair and desire for H to crawl on his hands and knees begging for forgiveness if I want to be the kind of person I want to be, and live out my own values. Does that make sense? I'm still a big WIP on this. But it was a lightbulb moment for me.

xx M