WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont9.)

[may22]

Hi BL,

may22,

as an aside, it sVcks to be an LBS, but I also think it sVcks to be the WS, who allowed themselves to become a liar and a cheater and justified it to themselves. It is a hard road back, I think, once/if the fog clears and you see your own behavior in the light of day.

Do you think they ever do see their behavior in the light of day? Or, do they just go on through life like that?

Good question. I think the conventional wisdom is that they have to hit rock bottom, have their fantasy new shiny life with AP fall apart, and fully experience the consequences of their behavior and decisions before they have the motivation to take the hard look within and figure out why they did what they did. Blu's husband took this path. I think a lot of other people never do. it's pretty painful to realize that your life is shredded and you're the one who is responsible. (Wayfarer wrote this incredible post on my thread a loooong time ago, about how painful it is to set your ship on fire, watch it go down and realize that the lifeboat you thought would save you is sinking and it is all on you. I might have gotten the details wrong but that image has always stuck with me.)

Anyway, for many probably easier to keep moving and blaming others. Regardless, I think the basic thing to remember is-- it is all out of your control, anyway. They'll do it or they won't, and it is a waste of your time and energy to spend a lot of time thinking about it. Spend that time and energy on yourself (and your kids). You deserve it.

I'm watching my H process all of this in real time right now, though he never took that final step of leaving and so didn't really hit rock bottom, though his turning point (he says) was finally being free to take that path-- he had an apartment all lined up and just had to sign the lease-- and he saw his life unfold and realized that wasn't what he wanted. He feels like that was the major turning point for him, but he also moped around for months after that still pining for his GD AP. And, it took months for him to finally even just accept responsibility 100% for his actions without blaming me for creating the circumstances that made him vulnerable to cheating. (eye roll emoji.) So all very slow, but I'd say he's definitely out of that fog now and grappling with the big hairy questions about why. I know he feels so much better about himself now than he did. It really did take a toll on his psyche to lie all the time, because that isn't who he thinks he is-- bringing his behavior into alignment with his values has really helped his mental health. I'd say he still has a lot of work to do in this area, though.