WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont9.)

[BL42]

pinn,

My ex and I were off/on for years pre-marriage. Grew up together. I know her better than anyone ever will. She treated me like garbage during that off/on time that went on for years. We had not spoken for a year or so. One night I get a call from her. I am watching the phone ring, I know if I pick it up we will soon be back together, eventually marry and she WILL eventually cheat and leave. I know this. I remember the feeling distinctly watching the phone ring. Guess what I did... I picked up the phone and guess what happened....

Wow, what a visceral memory. I imagine it as a slow-mo cut in a Hollywood film. Of course, you didn't "know" then in the way you know now and even if you remember considering the implications you probably had a small part of you that hoped it wouldn't end up being the case, but that must be a real "wonder what would've happened if..." moment.

So now it is time to look back and examine what happened. So I did a bunch of work, learned a ton about relationships in the hopes that this will never happen again. I had some flaws that I never knew existed until I looked, I knew nothing about love languages, I did not press when there were obviously serious issues developing in our relationship, I knew nothing about what an actual good relationship was or what it looked like.

Good point / lesson here though...everyone on this board can use our sitches as a learning opportunity for the future (better identify red flags, improve ourselves in areas we're lacking...etc.).

Do I take all the blame for my ex going off and cheating? Of course not, that is not acceptable. But I do take at least partial responsibility for getting into a relationship that was likely going to fail spectacularly, ignoring warning signs hoping they would go away, definitely poor communication and in general, just staying in a poor relationship probably for comfort more than anything else.

The thing for me is everyone (LBS & WS/WAS included) has issues they should work one. No one is 100% perfect. It's a balance between recognizing your faults and contributions to the D, but also not putting the full burden of the sitch on yourself when it was the WS/WAS who chose to have the affair and/or walk away from marriage without a willingness to work on it.

As Sage said: "we ALL should be on a perpetual path of growth and self-discovery"

I agree there!

Indeed!


Sage4,

And likewise, going back to LH's tagline side convo, we shouldn't be in a R nor fighting to save a R when someone is trying to walk away from it. That is another opportunity for self-work and growth. "Why am I am motivated to save this and make them stay? What does that say about me, my insecurities, fears or expectations? Where do I need to grow? Am I codependent? Needy? Or just in shock at the moment?"

^^ Both of these are on the LBS. Within their control as an autonomous human.

Not sure I 100% agree here. There a distinction between an dating relationship and a marriage. Imo, people should work to save a marriage because it's a vow and meant to be a commitment for life. I don't necessarily between it's a codependency to not want a D. That said, our MC for a few sessions did tell me "what does it say about you that you want to be with someone who betrayed you?", and that will always stick out in my mind. At the time while I didn't want the betrayal I also didn't want to "fail at the marriage" and get divorced. However, I now recognize if one person is hell bent on it ending there's usually not much a LBS can do to reason or "fight" it, and may be better off accepting and letting go.

the majority of people here are dealing with the more caustic ends to marriages. And most of them ARE dealing with infidelity and abuse (I happened to believe infidelity IS abuse, BTW). So the LBS might need more of any of these things FIRST: 1. time; 2. support that this isn't about you; and 3. gentle nudges to behave in ways that they will feel proud of 2 years down the road, BEFORE they are able to spend heaps of time on the self-examination table.

In regards to #2, I think that is an important point. The LBS is not without faults, which they certainly should work on, but unless there's a major issue it's often "not about you" and more about the WS/WAS. Again, accept your faults and work on them but don't necessarily put the burden of the affair/D on yourself because in many cases it's not.

may22,

as an aside, it sVcks to be an LBS, but I also think it sVcks to be the WS, who allowed themselves to become a liar and a cheater and justified it to themselves. It is a hard road back, I think, once/if the fog clears and you see your own behavior in the light of day.

Do you think they ever do see their behavior in the light of day? Or, do they just go on through life like that?

I think we should all give ourselves a break, especially those going through the hardest parts right now. It's okay to be mad. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to go through all these emotional swings and this is the best place to come and dump so that you don't act on emotion IRL. My recommendation to Scott would be to maybe read some of DnJ's thread and especially his recent posts on BL42's thread. As other posters above have said, you don't want to end up bitter and jaded. Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. Don't do that. Figure out how to let it go.

You got this, ScottyB.

Well said!