While I agree that: a marriage takes two oftentimes the WAS/WS is vilified by the LBS (and this community) we ALL should be on a perpetual path of growth and self-discovery
I also believe that there are circumstances where asking the LBS to take even up to 50% of the blame may cause further harm. Let's take cheating for example. Yes, the cheater may have been unhappy in the marriage. And the LBS may have been a poor partner. But that does not absolve the cheater of their actions. They chose to go outside of the marriage instead of working on the marriage OR leaving the marriage and then getting involved with someone. Asking the LBS to take responsibility for their part in the demise (in this case, the cheating) perpetuates this idea that they (we) somehow have control over another person's actions. As if there is something the LBS could have done to prevent their partner from straying.
Another instance where asking the LBS to take on responsibility can cause more harm is in the case of abuse. It has taken me nearly 18 months to get out of the fog and see how dysfunctional, and honestly abusive, my relationship was. I spent the greater part of those 18 months examining my actions, trying to become a better person, and doing a post-mortem on my role in the demise of my marriage. And while I found some areas for growth for sure, the majority of that time just made me feel worse and worse about myself. Because I must be such a truly, awful, terrible person if not keeping a tidy enough house or having a normal reaction to stress or not being able to turn on my sex kitten side a few months after having 4 babies in 5 years were all worthy reasons to be discarded.
If the LBS is able to stay the course of perpetual improvement for themselves and not for someone else, then encouraging that growth is great. But sometimes the LBS is already so beaten down (raising my hand) that spending all that time self-reflecting actually can slow the healing process down.
