Picking Up the Pieces After WAW Goes Again #4

[SteveLW]

Hi Steve,

I guess from your perspective you're probably right how you see me and I am conscious how to answer your questions as I do not want to give the impression of making excuses - all I have been doing is following advice which hasn't worked out as I was led to believe, so here goes...

Is there any reason you couldn't have done both? Had legal representation to move the legal stuff forward, AND look for another place to live?

Yes there was as far as my lawyer advised. This was exactly what I had previously done and have since been doing. The house that I found I was set up to move to until my lawyer told me that it would not be in my best interests and to wait to see what the courts come back with. The courts were delayed and so it took more than a few days. After 2 weeks the people renting the house pulled out and rented it to somebody else so I lost that. I then found another property closer to here and the lawyer said the same thing. The reason for this was that if I paid the full years rent out of "savings" (pension), then I could not claim this back as part of my claim and it would need to be reduced accordingly.

Similarly, the cost of the rent in the area I was looking at was the cheapest in the country and the lawyer informed me that if that rental amount was agreed as part of the claim, then if I were to move to a more expensive area then the courts wouldn't allow for the increase of rent.

Annoyingly, I found out from the barrister prior to the hearing, that the claim was short-term, while my lawyer gave the impressions that it was short-term, but then also would continue in part, longer term. This seems to have been wrong advice.

A claim for costs was also lodged, but I could not recover these and had to pay my own costs, even though my lawyer had stated that I would more than likely get some costs recovered - which is the only reason I agreed to go down this route.

Lesson learned. I have been constantly looking for places to live closer to home all the time, but there are very few places around the geographic are that I live as there are only small market towns and countryside, therefore less properties.

And now that you are focused SOLELY on looking for a place to live, you stop all legal action?

The reason for this thinking is that with much reduced funds, I see my priority as finding a place to live and therefore do no want to keep spending money on high legal costs that will further diminish any remaining pension fund making it unable to move anywhere, if this makes sense? Plugging the leak if you like....

Maybe I am seeing this incorrectly?

You have allowed yourself to be painted into the precarious place where your fate is up to your STBXW's doings or not doings. Can you look back and see how that is a recipe for disaster?

Yes I can see that. This entire thing has been planned. Each step of the way has been put into place and executed perfectly. Because she's a lawyer, my wife knows how to play the game. I did not expect her to be so evil as our relationship wasn't abusive or anything like that, so the way she has acted has both surprised me and deeply upset me. I could never treat anybody in this way, especially without due cause.

One last observation: How does this: "The only good news is that I now know what town she is living in (or around) and my guess was correct.......

The area's around here are surrounded by countryside and there are only a few small market towns that are available to live near/in/around. Therefore because I know where she lives now, I know the main town that she will be in and therefore I know which to avoid moving near. It still makes it difficult and they are all about 30 minutes from each other anyway.

The rest of it was just making sense of the years passed. No, there was no hope of wanting her back. Yes I know she was conniving after I found what she had done prior to and after leaving, so it was eye-opening for me that it had more than likely been going on longer and why she wanted to move into the area and didn't want to move too far from it (we were planning to move to Spain a few years back, but when push came to shove she stopped showing interest).

Yes, this is a nightmare for me and I refer to it as such simply because that's how it feels. Quite simply, I do not know how to get out of this now and I have significantly less funds available and no income. This makes things significantly inflexible.

Sorry about making excuses, I was just sharing my experiences and truly can't see the way forward from where I am at the moment. In hindsight I should have gone with my gut, moved and not taken my lawyers advice, but one hopes that the advice they are given would pan out to some degree, which it would have had my wife not played the game the way she had. Apparently lying is ok and stating that you have spent the money that you took without permission, is also ok, as the courts cannot order money to be paid back that is not available. It's all crooked and wrong.

So the question I would pose to myself if I were in your situation would be: "What can I do to improve my situation?"

It comes back to the same thing once again and where I was at the beginning of June - to find some place to live somewhere out of here, but now with very much depleted funds. The question for me to find an answer to is "How do I do that now....."

You alway have reasons for what you are doing. I just don't always agree with them! I think you got to a place of comfort in your life, and now that that comfort has been upended you are trying to find your level. You aren't trying to move forward, you are trying to keep things a status quo as possible.

The status quo is no longer possible for you. You either move forward, or you will rot on the vine. My question at the end was supposed to be thought-provoking. You went back to "how do I keep as close to the status quo a possible?" Again, the status quo is no longer an option for you. Stop trying to keep it. "How do you move your life forward?" is the question!