Need advice on stubborn W part 2

[AKuei]

I took a break from my computer over the weekend and GAL to the fullest. I've recently bought a foldable bike and was only doing casual cycling around the neighbourhood.

Last Sunday I took a leap of faith and went for a 40KM ride up a hill with my neighbours and his group. It was extremely challenging (they were on road bikes which made it easier to go uphill) yet satisfying. Fun? Not really. But I would love to do it again simply because I can temporarily put my mind off the W's situation.

And on the same day, I managed to finally teach my D7 to ride a bicycle without trainer wheels! She's so talented and only after 2 lessons she got it! Damn proud of her!

To answer to BL's question:
- I'm pretty sure I'm very close to throwing the towel and stop allowing myself to live in such a situation. It's the constant mental pressure about the ambiguity that is really putting a strain to my mind. Everyday the urge to call it quits get stronger. But when I look at my kids, I will put my decision on hold. Tough call to make but I hope 1 day i will get my balls back and make the choice that I want.
- Meeting a new man or not doesn't concern me anymore. I've been assuming she already is having an A even I do not have concrete evidence. The pandemic isn't helping her to meet up with the AP as much as she would like I guess
- I held my tongue and did not confront her. You're right. She's made it known that she doesn't want gifts for wedding anniversary and birthdays. The only hurdle I'm facing is that she got me birthday presents this year and got the kids to pass it to me. Her birthday's next month. My plan is to reciprocate that and have the kids pick the presents and give it to her. Nothing too fancy. Please shoot down my idea if it's a bad one

To LH:
- I'm been trying my very best to have 0 expectations on whatever things related to her. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. I guess my progression is slower than the others. But I'm certain I'm getting somewhere. To be honest, after so many months of mental torture, I now see her more and more repulsive; my therapist told me that I find her repulsive because it's sort of my subconscious telling me I'm repulsed by myself. Sort of like the W is a mirror of who I am deep within. Still trying to decipher what she meant though
- I fully agree that things needs to get worst before it can get better. Even after so much time has elapsed, I still think I need more time to reach a tipping point; waiting for the final straw to break the camel's back

R2C:
- My dad was my #1 hero. He was the breadwinner in the family, sacrificing his best years to provide for the kids. I picked up his patience because my mom was the strong headed one; her way or the highway. Prior to his passing, I was talking to him about how mom treated him when they were younger. She was roughly behaving the same as my W and he just told her to leave the house but the kids will stay with him. She left for a few months but came back and the rest of history. Throughout my childhood, I've witnessed a fair share of quarrels and squabbles but like older generations, they stuck it out thru thick and thin. My mom eventually passed away back in 2015 due to cancer. I'm technically an ophan now. Lost the most important pillar in my life. he thought me a lot on how to be a proper human being. I really miss him.
- About deciding to call it quits, I don't want to rush it thru and will take my time to come to a decision. I'm sorry for taking it slow even though the more I delay, the more my mind is crumbling.


And yeah, 3 years has been a long time (for me I guess). Hope is see light at the end of the tunnel soon. I really want to live a kick-A$$ life with or without her.