This caught my attention and I don't think there's an answer to it. I mean there is, but you would have to ask her directly and see if she in a moment of honesty can say what's going on. I can speculate here and so can you. Think of all of this as an escape from her part. She is hell bent on creating whatever normalcy she can because actually digging in the past is beyond her. Same with my exW - that process will come in time and she's gotta actually allow for it. The so-called normalcy might also just be to put you at ease so that she can get through it as fast as possible. It could also be as a ploy to keep you as back-up. All of these scenarios are possible and are not mutually exclusive. Time will tell.
My exW has only be cordial and nice in the past whenever there was something she needed from me. I've come to recognize the pattern and so I don't get caught off-guard. I treat her with civility and don't think much of her 'niceness'. Maybe if it's still the same a year or two from now, I'll consider changing my perspective.
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One topics I've been meaning to raise here on the board is considering we have such young children I still see ExW a good bit with the transitions and activities...etc., and it's an odd feeling at times. She looks the same; she's her pretty / happy self she always was (at least on the outside) and we're cordial, which makes it a bit surreal, like...why did all of this have to happen? And maybe on the inside she's all torn up and hating me for whatever reason, but there's a sense of normalness that does come through on our limited interactions that makes the extremeness of the reality of the divorce and her living with another man seem so bizarre. I don't know if that makes sense or resonates with anyone?
DnJ made good points about asking questions. Let me clarify what I was saying. I think it's normal to have the questions you are posing, but there are no answers. I'll mildly agree with DnJ about asking questions, but they have to be the ones directed at yourself. There's no point in dwelling on questions that try to surmise the motivations behind exW's actions etc. The only way you'll get an answer to them is if you ask her point blank and even then I wouldn't trust those answers. But the DB way is to focus on yourself and ask yourself the right questions:
What did I contribute to the disintegration of the marriage? What areas can I improve as a person? What are the things I would want in a R?
and so forth...
I think those are the real productive questions because it allows you to go inward and seek more self-awareness and understanding.
I think the questions you're thinking about, and trust me I have spent enough time on it as well, leads to rumination and no answers and creates conditions for self-pity, anger, revenge etc. None of those things are going to help you to pick yourself up and move forward.
