WAW w/Exit Affair or WW? - Divorced Anyway (4)

[BL42]

kml,

has cut multiple very close friends and family out of her life, and always seems to be your "bestie"...until she's not.

Saw this in your intro to this thread. Have you ever heard of borderline personality disorder? People with this issue can “swing” - first you’re the best thing since sliced bread, the only person who really understands them - then you’re a horrible person, the worst ever.

People with borderline personality disorder often cannot maintain stability in their lives, or do so with difficulty. They don’t maintain friendships well over the long term. They have difficulties with coworkers at work. If you were the subject of their admiration at first, it’s disorienting when they turn in you.

I suggest you read up on it and see if it rings any bells. If she IS BPD, understanding it will be key to helping your kids in the future.

It's hard for me to diagnose. I certainly see I watched a number of videos on narcissism / NPD awhile back and ExW certainly has some of the traits, but not sure if that was more of me reading into things happening during the the affair / divorce and other traits didn't ring as true or at least not obviously.

In terms of BPD, I've read up on it a little on your suggestion. ExW clearly exhibits certain traits:

• fear of abandonment - Possibly. Not obvious, but would make sense looking back on family history
• unstable relationships - Not unstable in the short term, but will have relationships (high school best friend, father, our marriage...etc.) which seem very close for a long time, but then are just cut off.
• Unclear or shifting self-image - Definitely had anxiety and low self-esteem. I didn't realize the extent of those until snooping around affair.
• Impulsive, self-destructive behaviors - Definitely impulsive, but more like buying things or changing something on a whim as opposed to more risky behaviors.
• Chronic feelings of emptiness - I'm learning she has low self esteem at times and kind of projects a more happy / confident vibe outward.
• Extreme emotional swings - Maybe? Again, didn't necessarily see this through our relationship but perhaps inside she was feeling this and masking it? I could see this being the case.

Other BPD traits not as much:

• Self-harm - No don't believe so. Have no indication.
• Explosive anger - Didn't really experience much if any of this during the marriage. Seems more like things were boiling on the inside I didn't know about, and maybe just blew out at the end.
• Feeling suspicious or out of touch with reality - Not sure.

I do see common co-disorders are anxiety which certainly the case and depression which may play in. I've learned self-imagine was a bigger issue than I realized.

ExW did have very traumatic teenage years. She found out about her mom's affair and divorce before her dad. She had a tumultuous relationship with her step-dad and cut her own dad out of her life for 5 years. She has been on ADs and in IC since her teenage years, and I'm hearing others now say "this is the real ExW" and "she's always been messed up", but it's difficult to reconcile that with my experience for the first 7 years of our relationship.