here's the thing: have you read DB? I think this is the time to focus on one thing in there, which is to start on things "with a beginner's mind". Don't try to hash out all the things that you did or did not do in the past. Try to look at your situation, NOW, as a brand new situation.
No history.
The first step in being happily intimate in a sexual way, is to be happily intimate, in a non-sexual way. And the simplest thing is for you to hold each other.
Instead of making excuses to not even try... How about you just decide to try it, and see what happens? Forget about the past. Focus on the present, and future. Ask your husband to hold you. Don't even go into long, detailed "this may lead to sex" rationales. Just say that you feel the need for [comfort, being held, whatever honest reason you like].
Just ask him. And keep doing it for a while. Every night for a week, perhaps?
If he says yes, and you allow yourself to be comfortable with that.. keep doing it! If it doesn't then we can all help you think of other things.
but lets start with the easy, straightforward things first, yes? !!
I think that part of the issue you are dealing with in yourself, is "performance anxiety". You are so hung up on, "I HAVE to do this..." that are you too stressed to enjoy it, or get excited about it. Lots of people psych themselves out of enjoying sex this way. So forget about any "big goals" for now. And just enjoy being held.
I can tell from what you write about him, that your husband will be more than willing to hold you, if you tell him that is what you need from him.
And if you'd like to do something back for him.. the biggest, best thing you can do in return.... is to simply smile at him while he holds you.
I think that's what your husband would most like from you right now.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
