Humans are the only "animal" (for lack of a better word) that punishes themselves over and over and over again for the same wrongdoing. Every time you think of it and feel bad, you're punishing yourself again.
God's already forgiven you...He did it before you even sinned. God understands what we sometimes don't: we are imperfect, human, and we WILL screw up.
You are living in the past, and that makes no sense because there's nothing you can do to change your past. Right here, right now is the only thing you have control over. Stop punishing yourself...let go. And don't even feel bad because of the temptation--you created a habit, and habits are hard to break.
Write a love letter to yourself. Write down all the good and wonderful things about you, then read it over and over again. Create a daily affirmation replacing your old thinking (I'm a bad, horrid, unworthy person b/c of OM) with new thinking (something like, I am strong, valuable, worthy and wonderful. I forgive myself like God forgives me.)
But...sweetie...you've got to stop beating yourself up. You can't move forward until you let go of the past and start being more gentle with yourself.
Now...this is just *me*...but I kind of think you might be a fantastic example to your D and GS *because* you had this experience...and you're going to show them how to overcome it and accept God's grace and compassion. You're teaching them that screwing up is not the end of the world, it's not a death sentence, it's just one of those things we do. To me, that's real Christianity. All of those people you see who project a "Godly" image...well, they've got their own ghosts too.
And remember...when Jesus was on earth, WHO was he hanging out with? WHO did he demonstrate ultimate compassion for? People like Mary Magdalene, drug addicts, the sick, the homeless...not the big wigs in the church, not the ones who thought they'd already "arrived".
So, write that letter to yourself, and FORGIVE.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
