Akuei, sorry for the sudden loss of your father. How awful, my heart goes out to you. Please take the time for self-care necessary to grieve your loss.
IHS is difficult. I have never claimed otherwise. I have merely said that IHS CAN work. After all, that is the path my situation took. (Note: For those that disagree with this, fine. That dead horse has been beaten.) What makes it so difficult is the things you are struggling with. Special days, celebrations, etc. In my case I too struggled. We had Valentine's Day, and her birthday during the meat of our situation. I tried to keep it low-key and still "recognize" the day. For V-Day I got her a spa gift cert. For her birthday we did a family dinner, and had my daughter pick out a gift and give it to her.
But IHS is a struggle, and there a lot of temptations to break from good DBing. I tried to be easy on myself and realize I wasn't going to DB 100%, but I tried to get as close to 100% as I could. LOTS OF GAL. I had to stay busy, and out of the house as much as possible. I can not over emphasize the importance of GAL. When you do GAL well the rest of DBing falls into place easier. GAL usually includes self-improvements so they tend to come along for the GAL ride. But detachment becomes a lot easier when you stay busy. Your interaction with your IHS WAS will become less frequent. And that will help you stay detached in the more limited interactions you have.
As far as the gift, if she insists on reimbursing you, just let it go. Likely she is feeling guilty about not reciprocating now (anniversary) or in the future (your birthday). She is trying to let herself off the hook, so let her! Remember, a properly detached individual would just let it go, and not expect reciprocity in the future.
Akeui, you always have it in your power to decide it is not working for you, and to pull the plug yourself. Remember, kids would rather be from a broken than IN a broken home. If you don't think that IHS is rough on the kids, you would be mistaken. This is affecting them more than you know, and could have an impact on their own future relationships.
Onward and upward, Akeui! You've got this!
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
