Hi AK. So sorry for your loss. Losing a parent is hard…doubly so when it is so sudden.
RE: confronting your W about the gift. I’m unclear as to why there needs to be a confrontation. First off…why would you get her an anniversary gift when she BD you almost three years ago? Did you think it might change her mind or change your situation somehow? I think she thought that was your motive which is why she paid you back for it. She didn’t want to be beholden to you for a gift she didn’t want you to get her. You say you got it for her out of guilt? Why would you have guilt? It’s been three years.
I don’t know if it has been suggested to you to read No More Mr Nice Guy but your probably should…especially the part about “covert contracts”. You know…when you do something for someone with a hidden expectation that they will respond a certain way and when they don’t, you get mad. Doing things for other people and expecting something from them in return, is a recipe for being chronically disappointed. Better to have no expectations so that when people do react favourably, you are pleasantly surprised.
Remember… DB isn’t to get your wife back. It’s for you to to detach and rediscover who you were before you were married. It gives you the best chance of saving your marriage (because no one wants to be with someone who appears needy) and, at the same time, give you the best chance of saving yourself regardless of your marital status.
RE: your kids. Kids are pretty resilient. I’m with you though…my preference was always to give my kids an upbringing in a two-parent home. It is definitely the ideal. But…it only takes one person to decide to take that away so you may not have any choice in the matter. Ultimately, they will take their cues from you and if they see that you are happy and your W is happy, they will adjust to the new normal.
