Need advice on stubborn W part 2

[AKuei]

It's been a solid 7 months since my last update. I've been putting off penning my thoughts here because it has been an overwhelming period for me. Nonetheless, gonna write a lengthy story again.

The reason why I was gone for so long is because my father passed away a few hours after getting his 1st covid shot. It was shocking and I was totally crushed by his passing.

Prior to that dreaded day, I did have a short conversation with the W on what were the future plans. I was on the false assumption that she had soften because she was engaging me more than ever, and behaving like it was pre bomb drop. Boy was I wrong big time. She said she likes the current situation; in house separation (I sleep with the kids while she sleeps by herself on another bed in the same room, no intimacy, basically roommates, etc)

And then when my father passed on, I just broke down completely. I felt like I've lost the most pillar of my life. I have no one else to prove to, I have no reasons to keep up with the facade. Nonetheless, I've tried to be there for the kids. To be honest, the kids were there to help me thru the grief instead. They are young and they only talked about the fun times they have with grandpa and kept telling me he's in heaven now. They really pulled me thru the darkest times. W was there to support in any capacity she can, helping to take care of the kids, doing what she can to assist in the funeral, etc. I was grateful and I personally thanked her for it.

I'm still on therapy and processing my father's death. The very raw image of him lying motionless on the floor in his home has been engraved in my memories. At random moments, that image will show up in my mind and I will be in state of sadness. It comes and goes randomly but after months, the frequencies reduced as well.

From then onwards till present day, W has been working from home completely and not heading back to work. And because of the pandemic, she had also reduced the frequency of heading out for dinner with friends and colleagues. She also recently invited me to play mahjong with her colleagues on weekends too. I love playing MJ by the way so most times I will gladly oblige.

In the middle of June, she asked me for a loan to get braces for her teeth as it is affecting her quality of life; she has a serious case of overbite and she can't chew food properly for decades. She joked about paying me back 500 bucks a month (the loan was 8k) but I can tell she wasn't serious. I fell into her trap and I gave her the money. Not expecting her to return it to me. Her attitude towards me soften and she started to engage me more frequently. As we have a tenant that is moving out at the end of the year, the W is planning to move the kids to the spare room. That sets me thinking; why would she want to move the kids to another room and leave me and her in the master bedroom? Till this day I still don't have the answer and being the pessimistic person that I am, I feel that nothing is going to change at all. She will most probably still be sleeping by herself. But on the bright side, I have the full queen size bed for myself!

2 days ago was our wedding anniversary. I didn't do anything for her at all; not even cards and flowers. I just spent the day like any other day; busy with the kids and work, busy with preparing dinner, etc etc.

And because of the guilt, I've made another boo boo again. She was talking about getting an ergonomic chair (even though she already had 2) and I got her another one. She did transferred me the money but i returned the transfer and written reference as "wedding anniversary and birthday gift". I was expecting that she will reverse it again and there it is. It happened! She reversed the transfer and said "no need".

I had enough. I made up my mind back there and then that I will tell her in her face that it's a gift and stop the shifting of funds. Thankfully I took a deep breath and didn't do it because I don't see a point (not the hill I want to die on). So I am transferring this frustration into venting on this forum. Almost everyday I've been thinking of pulling the trigger (D) myself because I simply cannot imagine myself living in this state forever. I feel like throwing the towel and go separate ways. Kids will definitely suffer but I guess I will have to work doubly hard to patch that gap as a single parent.

I thought I was detaching very well because during these months, I did not engage her in any R talks as well. I was cordial and supportive in the household. I minded my own business for most parts. That being said, I can see pockets of my wrongdoing. I'm just not doing DB perfectly.

I need some 2x4s now. I'm really on the verge to confront her about the gift incident. For once I feel like I want to tell her in the face how I'm feeling. I also want to initiate divorce talks because I simply can't stand it any longer. It's been almost 3 years.