I am going to 'try' and answer your questions and thoughts to the best of my ability. I don't know if it will alleviate anything, but the most I owe to anyone on this board is honesty and my take on it. But let's be real here - my context is different from yours and we have things that overlap, but there will be differences. So, take what I have to say with that in mind.
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but if I'm being honest I do wonder what's going to happen with OM2 in the future...
I know this question and I know how I pondered on it forever. The only real answer to this question is - I don't know. It may work out, it may not. The best we can do is speculate. I can give you a whole lot of reasons why I think it might not work out, and I think they are legitimate reasons. But there is also a chance it might work out - they might go to therapy, they may restart from the beginning, etc. The chances of that happening are slim, but you just don't know.
I would highly suggest that you stop asking questions that have no answers. I know it is hard to not fixate on these questions because they allow us to grieve in some way. You will get past these questions through your grieving period.
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My now ExW moved OM2 in with the kids very quickly, including him and his family attending my D2's birthday party the next month, vacationing together, and now buying a house directly across the street from OM2's sister! Very similar to when ExW & I got together - integrating with the families - only now there are kids (mine!) involved.
yes, i know exactly how that feels. i know exactly how it feels to have this happen and have zero control over it. All I have to say is that you have to take care of your heart because there is basically nothing you can do. I know that there is a terrible answer because there is no solution here. It is just embracing the reality. Every time my kids came and told me about whatever they did there, it was like arrows piercing my heart. I dreaded the moment when my kids would come back to me because I knew I was going to hear all about what's happening at mommy's place with the new guy. But I swallowed it and never showed it to my kids. I would put them to bed at night and then feel all my emotions in my room over some sad music or just have a good cry. Most important advice - don't bury your emotions over this. Make sure you give yourself time and space to feel them when no one is around. Your kids can't see this because they won't understand and it is not their burden to carry. Try and be the best dad when you're with them, and you have full permission to fall apart when they're not around - I surely did and over time I picked myself up and got stronger.
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So, part of me wonders if she's just replaced me and my family with a new happy family of her own and will ride off into the sunset, or if there are underlying issues that will surface down the road for them, and I should brace for my kids' sake.
yes, i felt that I had been replaced by a new shiny person. that she now fulfilled her fantasy of having a white picket fence house with a new guy, some cats, a big yard, a pool, and buncha kids blended in together as a new family. and I was left out in the cold. It's heartbreaking to see that. Like you're garbage that was just discarded with such ease and without any concern. that you didn't matter at all. some of that may ring true, but only because your self-worth and self-value is right now in the deepest darkest parts of a dungeon. I had yank out my value from that place by being around people that loved me and doing things that brought me joy - that's why GAL is such an important component of this.
There may be issues down the line. Again the answer here is the same - I don't know. You don't know. All you can do is stabilize the present to affect the future. I knew that I had to be a rock for my kids no matter what happened, so that in the future, they would know that I am a safe place for them. Whatever that may transpire for the kids in the future, they know that you got them. You can't count on your exW to make that space for them, but you can do it. Kids will grow up and see the truth for themselves and see how you held it down for them and that might not happen until they're in the 20s, or not until they have kids, but they will eventually. Just be present and stable for them and give them all the love and attention when they're with you because that is the time you can control.
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Part of me is still hoping things don't work out for them.
It's totally normal to feel and think that. Some part of you wants comeuppance, some revenge. You'll feel less of it over time. Part of the reason why I had these thoughts was because in a small way I wanted her to run back to me after realizing what she had lost - but that never happened. And it's okay to have that desire, but it will lessen over time when you shift perspectives. Instead of wondering if the new R will work out, I asked myself:
1. Do I want to be with her considering all that she's done? 2. Is she a healthy emotionally mature human being? 3. What is that I want from a relationship?
Once you shift focus to your own priorities and what you want, you realize that exW is not someone you want to be with right now. If she does the work, you might consider it, but for now that door is only very slightly open.
The only thing that I'll say is that I did spend more time than I should have on questions that had no real answers and trying to find clues to see if she's changed her mind, or try to really understand how she could make the decisions she made etc. And you can probably get a good approximation of those answers because you know her, but those answers don't really help you with anything. I do still struggle with them at times, but I remind myself that I am answer something that will not change a thing for me - mentally or emotionally. So, I reframe my focus back on to what my dreams and aspirations are and focus on that. Cuz I know that when I make my life better, I improve the lives of my kids and am a stronger and more attractive person to be with.
A small detail I forgot to mention about my decision to meet exW's lilmanboy - he was not an OM in the sense that they got together while we were married and she cheated on me. They met a year after the separation. If he was an OM in the traditional sense, I would not have met up with him. Small, but important detail.
The last thing I'll add is that I am not sure if you've been to therapy. If you haven't, you should give it a try. I did a year of it and it was very helpful just to get all my thoughts out and have a neutral party give me new perspectives. The other person who really helped me with my emotional and mental health and mindset is Peter Crone. We can't link up things here, but I would humbly suggest checking him out. Podcast interviews with him are on YouTube. The one with Kerwin Rae is phenomenal, and so are the ones with Dr. Rangan Chatterjee. Didn't solve anything overnight, but I keep going back to him to help me cement my thinking process and emotional issues. Check him out and see if it speaks to you.
I truly feel how you're feeling and I know that it's very possible to get through it with all the rollercoaster feels. This community is very helpful and it definitely helped me in my most troubling hours.
