Hey Blu! Great to hear from you. Yeah I am trying to spend more time here and pay it forward like so many great folks did for me. If I can offer any insight, I am more than happy to do so. This community was truly a life-saver for me when I needed it most.
I think I've brought down my attitude from repulsion to just disliking her at this point. she's been seeing a therapist and in the last week I've seen some big changes in her attitude and approach to things - I am taking it with a grain of salt right now as I don't know if these are long term changes or if she's ascended to a whole new higher plane of manipulation. We're pretty civil around the kids and they've never seen much of the acrimony that existed between us, but I am sure they've sensed it at some level. I am still not sure what to do with the forgiveness thing - it's something that has seemed really strange and elusive and I don't know if I have the energy to figure it out. I am just living my life in a way that works for me and the kids as best as I can.
Thanks for adding a new level of scare on the smoking front! Yes, I am a lot more serious about it right now and working on the quit - actually this week. So, I'll report back on that.
I've been walking a lot during this pandemic and that has been refreshing. Fortunately the gyms have opened up and I am going back this week - they have put in good safety protocols so I am satisfied with that. Looking forward to getting in there and reclaiming some of the 'me' time. I am with you on rocking a better body at 41 than 21
I really appreciate your comments on honesty. BD and the subsequent emotional turmoil just taught me how I was failing at accountability to myself, and others as well, and that had an impact on my marriage breaking down. I wasn't a lying or a cheat, but I would engage in covert contracts and say one thing but do something else. I realized I was doing it out of fear and wanting to avoid rejection from others - just say what they want to hear and not rock the boat, but go do what I want instead and hide it. That's just not a good strategy for anything.
I also find that if I am not being honest here, then what's the real point of all of this. I am not some super DB'er and I've done all the work and now I am going to conquer the world. I am still dealing with a lot of the aftermath and decades of dysfunction can't just be solved over night or weeks or months. Takes time. The emasculation stuff was just all of my insecurities and my kids haven't given a hoot about the material changes in our lives. All they want is for me to spend time with them and be present. We're not living in squalor so it's not like their basic material needs aren't met. Love the example you shared with your D - I think that's so wonderful that you had that time with her and were able to connect. That's what it's all about really. I love hearing about these moments because they're just so priceless in terms of building real authentic connection and strengthening the love.
I keep reminding myself of a concept by Esther Perel - these are bids for connection. Every time my kids want to do something or ask something of me, I remind myself that they're asking to connect with me, and doesn't matter what it is.
I think I am overly critical of myself in the dad department, but if I was honest, I think I've done pretty good. I appreciate you noticing that and sharing it with me. I am still working on doing better - like being a nonsmoker - but I am not taking that relationship for granted and trying to be as present with them as I can be.
NEFFER - how are you doing old friend? Yes, the light is shining bright and I hope it is for you as well. Hope you and your fam are safe and healthy.
