Don't you hate it when you write up your replies and then your computer crashes and you lose them? Grrhhh! So I will do another more rushed version.
Maika -- So glad you commented. I wrote on your thread.
CW -- Thank you. If I have not already told you, I appreciate you and your contributions to the board.
May -- I am glad you are still visiting here and updating. I am disappointed in what was happening and that we lost people here. I hope they are still reading here and will consider coming back. ... If you are reading this and left because of conflict, please at least drop us a line here. We miss you!
So my H was so much of a Nice Guy that when he read that book, No More Mr Nice Guy, it felt as if it was written for him. He read it after he returned to our M and it was extremely eye opening. He has had to work on all of that and I do feel it has gotten better. He has always been very kind, warm, flexible and accommodating, especially with the women in his life. Honestly, with everyone, men, family, friends, coworkers, etc. He also is conflict avoidant and not good at speaking up for himself or expressing his opinions. I imagined growing up with such an overbearing and strict Catholic mother, at times he felt he wasn't allowed an opinion. There was a lot of guilt and shame too. But that is another post for another day.
I think today we have a better understanding of toxic masculinity than when we were kids. I think I lost some respect for him in our M and at times was easily frustrated by him or saw him as a doormat. In turn, I think he grew to resent me and saw me as controlling and a nag. And round and round we spun.
I would say that most of this is much better now. However, there are certain characteristics that are just who he is that are not necessarily a bad thing. He is very nice, warm and understanding with people. It is why I was attracted to him initially. Also, he generally is more flexible and easy going than I am. I tend to have more ideas and opinions about things. We can balance each other well as long as there is mutual respect and good communication. So there are still issues and conflicts of course, but the unhealthy dynamic is much improved. ... Is any of this relatable? I did not get the sense your H was like this. I have seen other posts where men talk about Nice Guy Syndrome, and I think the term has been overgeneralized.
When it comes to anger, you have really helped me think about my own issues. I realize that I encouraged you to hold on to anger and that in part I was projecting my own. Anger is complicated and deeply personal. I am glad you are working through it. Taking what people say at face value when there has been trauma is a challenge, but also an important practice. Your sitch is still new and raw. You will get there. ... Can you share what DNJ posted about beliefs?
I am glad things are going well overall. And please do hijack my thread! I want to keep it going but I don't always have much to share. I wouldn't say that I am actively piecing or working on my marriage. Some days we do I guess, but most days we don't, and we just live our own lives. Some days in harmony and other days more independently in close proximity. I prefer it this way. We can have many intimate relationships in life, not just the one partner.
Wayfarer -- Thank you. I am so glad you are here too. Your support and posts are wonderful. And I am glad you are still willing to share your journey. Perhaps when this thread reaches 100, I will start the next one in the Piecing area and then link these.
Neffer -- I would love to meet your lovely W. She sounds amazing. LOL.
Blu
“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela
