I know that I will never have anyone that loves me as much as my H does. I know that I have to face the damage that I have done to the R.
The thing that really hit me was that the emotional feelings I have toward the OM is because it is "new" and "sinful" and exciting. If I allow the EA to turn into a PA then I have dug my grave deeper. The physical will be exciting and thrilling beyond anything I have felt before...according to that book. However, in time, if I should choose the OM, it would wear off and I would be in the same R as I find myself now. That is what some of you have tried to tell me. Or, I have read so much lately I have forgotten exactly who or where I got it, but the thing is I finally get it. The book broke it down into 4 stages and the third is where the W is in limbo as to what she wants to do. That is where I am now. But, I will not have a PA after reading that book. It scared me. I don't want to go through the hell that I would be opening myself up for. According to the book, I would be going through a vicious cycle of repeating everything again and again until my emotional state would finally break down completely. I don't want to live like that.
I know what I have go to do. The thing is to find the strength to do it. The first step is saying goodbye....and mean it...to the OM. According to the book, I will go through a time of "grieving". That is where I will need you guys to keep me encouraged...ok?
Also, I know I have to take baby steps every day to work on my M. I feel like I took a huge step last night reading all that information. The book explained why I don't have the feeling of being in love and that it feels more like a brother-sister relationship. Makes sense to me. Don't know how long it may take to work through that part of it. But, why would I want to leave this R just to find myself in another one just like it in a few years to the OM? I'm too old to go from one R to another and then another, etc. Besides, I'm not cut out for that kind of life.
I may have to come here several times a day just to talk out my thoughts or ask for advice from you who are quickly becoming friends. Thanks for your support. Today is the first time in months and months that I have felt the least bit of encouragement. And, maybe that is not even the correct word. I just know what I have to do to break out of the "limbo" stage. Instead of saying, "I don't know what I want or I don't know what to do"....I DO know what to do!
Please don't think for a second that I have my act together because I am a long way from that! Please don't stop writing to me because I need accountability. I think I was almost getting approval from my mother (without her even realizing what she was doing) to leave my husband. That was dangerous. She was really fed up with his not working and I played on that to get her approval for me to leave him and for her to accept the OM.
My first step is to say good-bye to the OM. God, I need strength to do that!
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
