Scott, if she came to you today and wanted to reconcile....what would you do?
Recently we spoke. She said I probably wouldn't like what she had to say. She said to me that she doesn't want to work on the marriage, that she doesn't want to go to marriage counseling, that she has considered pushing off filing 3-6 months (paperwork should be done next week), she said she hates destroying the family, that she misses the kids terribly, she has said that her and I don't work, that she can't get over the past (I'm not sure what that is in reference to), and that she thinks the divorce is the only path but "you can never really be sure about a decision like this". Then she said she didn't want to hurt my feelings.
I said "don't worry, I want to be with someone that wants to be with me, I deserve that." I also questioned what holding off on paperwork would do if we weren't going to work on anything or have discussions.
After that conversation I began making a list of my non-negotiables in regards to changes I would need her to work on to be able to get consider going back. This list is a reminder list for me so that I stay strong and feel some ownership from my side on this decision. When we get divorced - which is inevitable in reality - I want to feel, for myself, that this is a healthy outcome.
When we spoke, she said she has no interest at all in dating anyone else, which is why she's not in a hurry. She said she still loves me. She said she's not sure if she will ever get married again and she's not sure she will ever love anyone like she loved me or be able to trust anyone again.
The way she talks, it makes me feel like I was the one that had the affair - its crazy to me.
My gut tells me that she needs to have some kind of real "come to jesus" moment and I don't believe that will happen for a couple of years. Until that happens and she really sees things for what they are, there is no reconciliation.
Also, I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be cared for. I deserve to be appreciated. I deserve to have someone say I'm going to do the work to be with you. I'm worth it. And if she can't see that then I need to move on.
As I've mentioned, I have dated some and I dated one wonderful woman. I think about her some still. She cared for me, deeply, and wanted to take care of me. Since I've been single I've been able to interact with woman in a different way for the first time in 20 years, and I've felt cared for by wives of friends. I know what it can be like to be with someone that actually cares for me, and that's what I want. I'm not sure I'm willing to settle. Time will tell.
My STBEx and I are supposed to talk next week. Everyone I know would tell me its a mistake to entertain getting back with her and probably even talking to her because it can mess my head up. But its my life so I get to make those decisions.
We'll see what happens. The man sitting here today is thinking "I'm not going back to that life. I refuse."
