Glad I did not turn you away from the forum. The fact that you are looking for direction shows you know your moral compass is failing you. The other thing that comes to my mind is that you may not be as completely mlc as you think.
When we learn more about mlc we learn about the deep seated roots that begin in troubled childhoods. The roots grow slowly but strongly into suppressed low self esteem. The low self esteem finally blooms into a newly emerged super ego that must change everything that was, into something different.
When this happens to someone and lives are destroyed, it is easy to classify this "life stage transition" as a crisis ... mlc. Psychologists such as Karl Jung have published books the size of tree trunks on the subject of life stages and the transitions between them. No offense intended, but I do not believe you are in the middle of a life stage transition, unless it is a very retarded one. By that, please understand the meaning of my words were chosen carefully not to offend. By retarded, I totally mean "delayed". It is possible.
More likely, over time you have become so totally disconnected and detached in your M that you now feel it is dead and beyond changing to meet your emotional needs. This is different from what we often call mlc. It would more closely fit the WAW as described in Michelle's WAW article .
Still, you are faced with the same outcome as someone in mlc. You need something in your life that creates passion for you. The most common source is a connection to the opposite sex. It does not have to be that way. Further, the source of your passion does not have to come from outside the M. Your ability to understand your concerns and compartmentalize your issues into individual tasks allows you to work on them one at a time.
There are books you may want to consider just to pass some time and inject additional concepts into your busy, confuse mind. Knowledge is power and you need many new tools at your disposal in this battle. Take time to read all you can. It will provide you a great deal of release to understand more dynamics behind the emotions you face.
A very very popular release in recent years by Gail Sheehy is "Breaking Point". It was an instant best seller. When my mlc XW was reading this I pointed out there were no happy endings for the husbands in the book. She left the room. Actually, there was one ... and the book seemed to paint the woman that went back to her H as a failure for not casting everything aside to explore the wide world of unknown passions.
One that was never written as a self help book comes from the years ago. Erica Jong wrote "Fear of Flying" in hopes of ... oh hell, who knows. Was she trying to be bold, meaningful, or just unique. I don't know that she even knew what she was trying to do. As I understand it, the thinking was that is was a biography of her jet set lifestyle. Certain facts were not factual, like the ending where things appeared to be working out for her. That is not the ending her life realized. Still, I think you would take away some deeper understanding than most that may read this title. One of my XW's IC suggested it to her. I gave her mine after reading it, but I don't think she ever opened it.
What the book did in fact do, was encourage an incredible number of women to leave their M. I don't think they read the whole book. It was easy to loose interest before finishing.
On the self help aisle I suggest you try to gain some understanding from the other side. Think about reading one of the titles "we" are familiar with. The most significant of these for you would be one that is dated, out of print, but usually available on Amazon ... one copy at a time. "Understanding Midlife Crisis" by Peter O'Conner is factual and informative regarding the actual mlc. It teaches there are no bad guys, just bad situations that were born of years of preprogramming. There are many others, but I am more familiar with "Hope for the Separated" by Chapman; and "When the one you love wants to leave" by Harvey. Another popular title is Surviving Your Husbands MLC by the late Sally Conway. You could benefit from learning how your actions are interpreted by your H or others.
Some very wise folks I think a lot of have gained insight from "Not Just Friends: Protect Your Relationship from Infidelity and Heal the Trauma of Betrayal" by Shirley Glass. It is on my very long To Read list.
If you are still reading, I have one last book. I saved it on purpose. It is hard for the LBS to read. Another suggested book from one of the XW's IC. It explains the pressures facing the MLCer although they don't call it that. This author is a female who approaches life for people who are living In The Meantime. "In The Meantime:Finding yourself and the love you want" by VanZant tells the reader your life is like a multi story home and you are stuck in the cluttered basement. To live a full rewarding life, you have housecleaning to do. Of course part of that is giving yourself over to the external callings such as the affair. So if you are looking for an abstract explanation of what you may be confronted with, this may actually be useful as the concepts are solid if not scary to the LBS.
There are many many books for working on the M. First, you need to decide how you plan to proceed with your life. In or Out of the M.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
