I never had a problem with age until this birthday. The big #60 was fast approaching and I was not dealing with it very well. My marriage of 41 years was dull, boring, sexless, and none of my emotional needs were being met. My H never was one to communicate...just wanted to watch tv all the time....no hobbies, recreaction.....nothing for fun...nothing...period... and after the first 25 years, I finally gave up.
I still tried to find things to fill the void in my life just as I always had befoe, but then I got Fibromyalgia and the stuff I went through with it would be a story within itself. However, the thing is this....out of boredom and lonliness I turned to playing games on the internet and those where you can chat with the person you play with. Then I began to flirt with them. What harm could it do? They were on the other side of the world and I would never see them. It was fun and I began to feel sexual excitment. Did I mention that H and I had not had sex in eleven years? Repeat....11 years! Finally I turned to a chat room that was really a "sex" web site. I got a email account that H would not know about....at least I thought he wouldn't find out. So, I began to have several men to respond to my profile that I placed on the web and the erotic chat was very exciting to me. I had always been the "good girl" when I was a teen and then the very "proper" Christian wife for over 40 years. This new "sin" that I discovered was so thrilling and I found out that I was not frigid because I could respond to the erotic chat. I also had a web cam and I began to show myself to these men. One thing led to another until I would be embarrased to tell what I did.
Anyway, H found the IM messages and was able to access everything that I had said. So, you know what hit the fan. After the talk he gave me, I was a good little girl and went to the computer and deleted all my contacts. Except one. Somehow, he was able to contact me when I went on line the next night. I secretly continued to communicate with him. A relationship quickly developed to a deeeper level. We have never met in real life, but he declares his love for me and wants to set up a meeting. H found out and is demanding I end the on line relationship. H wants to work things out in our marriage even though he feels like I have committed adulty (in my heart).
I feel confussed. I am drained emtionally and physically. I don't know if I want to continue the marriage or if I will ever want to have sex with H again. I tell myself that I have the "grass is greener" syndrome, but I can't help but wonder if that is my once in a lifetime chance at true hapiness. I have communicated with the OM almost every day for 8 months and he has told me everything about himself and I have "tested" him several ways and he always passes. My H even investigated him over the internet and could not find anything bad on him. I am going through the wanting to "flight" and yet I don't want to hurt H. He is a good man, but I don't feel in love with him. He is not highly motivated at all about anything. He does not provide a very high standard of living (because of his lack of motivation) whereas the OM makes a very good living.
I just don't know what to do. I am afraid if I leave it will destroy H. I can't seem to bring myself to tell OM goodbye....I tried about three times and always go back to him (on line). I waited for about 4 month after H found out about the OM for him to approach me to talk. I don't know why, he never has began a conversation before, except when he told me he knew about the OM. So, I broke my vow to myself and asked him if he wanted to talk and see if we could resolve some issues. The thing is that I have just got to the place that I am willing...."to be willing" to talk to H. That has been an accomplishment, but it is not good enough for H. He wants me to say that I want our marriage to work more than anything on earth and he says I am too negative about it. I don't show the "energy" (if you can believe that) that he wants to see put into it. Tonight, I told him that was the best I could do.
Any advice would be appreciated. I know all the horror stories about meetings over the internet, etc., so please don't go there. I know all the dangers, etc. I just need advice about the M and the R.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
