WAW Hired a Divorce Coach (Cont9.)

[MrBrside]

In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently. This is the case for both the LBSs and the WAWs! To that point, it's healthy to reflect on where you could've done better, work on self improvement, and correct those behaviors in the future. That process will make you a better man.

However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from IC, family, and others on this board and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.

Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.

Brilliant summary.. Hits the nail on the head !