It’s not surprising H and OW2 re-friended on social media. Like teenagers, friends, then not friends. H is confused and is flipping and flopping. Let him ping pong about while you live a great life.
Originally Posted by Eagle3
As I understand boundaries are for me, to protect myself. But I don’t feel I need to be protected for something. Why is this?
Yes, boundaries are actions you implement to safeguard your emotional and mental and physical health. Most times our rock solid boundaries pertain to disrespectful behaviour in these situations. Earlier on our emotions are torn apart and we are quite adrift in our own despair.
In time we start to heal and we find strength. We regain our balance and center. Our need for boundaries becomes less so. We can more easily tolerate it, seeing and understanding that the person lashing out is really get projecting their own insecurities and pain upon others. However, that doesn’t mean we should allow disprectful behaviour.
Personally, I find my boundaries are not tested that often. As we find our strength and focus, our believes and convictions, we live them. That kind of fortitude shines. People see it. Without any words, people see your strength. It shows in your actions and how you walk your path. The journey is more important than the destination.
In that way, our convictions are hardly ever tested for they are clearly leading. I find it rubs off on those I interact with. We inspire and brighten the world around us. Choosing better instead of bitter is an infectious thing.
Anyhow, that is one way why we feel less need for boundaries.
We also become indifferent. Our spouse cannot hurt us anymore. This is two fold, indifference and realizing that we control our emotions. Why get hurt because H says or does something you cannot control. Obviously, it initially hurts. However, we do not reinforce that and it flits away.
Another item to consider regarding not feeling a need for boundaries is denial. That first boom of loss. We are so shocked and stunned, we become zombie-like for a while. I do not believe you are experiencing any significant denial even with the new information and proof of OW.
I believe you are indifferent and rather strong. You are getting well healed and living a good life. In short, you are not feeling the need for boundaries because you don’t need them. Lol. Now how’s that for some wisdom. You don’t need them because you don’t need them. Haha.
I do have a point somewhere in the morning’s ramblings. You feel like you do not need boundaries. Now, believe it.
Reinforce that feeling. Consider the thoughts that go with that. The rational part. Like the above stuff. All that reinforces and crafts/alters/strengthens your conviction. This is a value and belief that serves you. Feed it well.
The lack of clarity is understandable. At the time of OW1 you were in a different place. Now you are more healed and better equipped. Sword and shield.
So, H is with OW2. Therefore no sex or intimacy. Yes, he is a roommate. He chose to be.
Do you need to kick him out? Not really. Can you even actually do that anyhow?
For the times H comes over he can stay in the spare room if that still works for you. However, you could suggest that he stays elsewhere since he is playing house with another woman. Personally, I think you should. The choice is yours.
I think if you enact your boundary / suggestion you will not feel stuck and move forward quite well. Just ensure it is not rooted in an attempt to manipulate H and his path. You do for you!
D
Feelings are fleeting. Be better, not bitter. Love the person, forgive the sin.
