Sunday she moved from her friends house where she has been staying since she left (mid-July) to her own place.
We started back at school (just staff) on Monday, and it was horrible. Broke down at lunchtime with a colleague. Felt so wrong people asking how the summer was. "What did you guys get up to over the summer?" questions. No-one apart from a few close (mutual) friends at school know.
W came to see me at the end of the day, and we were both in tears. I really tried to be strong, but it was so hard. For the first time, later that evening, I had to reach out to her to ask how to mend a catch on the bedroom window, hoping she could explain. She came round to fix it and noticed I had taken off my ring and taken down our photos. Please don't criticise but I was very much "This is not what I want, but I accept that you want out of the marriage". So hard. I asked her to go and see the bank about our mortgage, and that I would be contacting a lawyer so we can sort out the financial situation as fairly and as soon as possible. W was really surprised and visibly upset as she thought this could be done amicably.
Today is Wednesday, and she came to see me at the end of the day asking for her to come round and collect some work clothes. She left a while ago with lots of bags. We talked (politely) about school stuff and no R talk, only business. I had written a list of her belongings that she needs to take and she seemed very taken aback. Although I know it's not my problem, I feel so bad about telling her, as I know how difficult it is going to be for her.
I have secured an appointment with the lawyer on Monday. The irony of having him to legalise our marriage in this country, only to ask him advice on separation is not lost on me. I haven't yet told her the appointment is on Monday. When I spoke about it before, she asked me if I wanted her to come with me. I said no.
So I went to my home gym to make myself better. It didn't really work too well as although my body is celebrating my new found fitness, my heart is breaking.
If at any time during the last few weeks she had said that she just needed some space to sort herself out with the aim of eventually reconciling, this would be playing out differently. But she didn't. I am trying REALLY hard to let go.
I can't help feeling that I am rushing this.
I keep telling myself I will get there eventually. I won't always feel like this. I am being strong and doing what I can control and setting the boundaries, but I just don't want this marriage to end.
Feeling pretty rubbish.
I start teaching tomorrow and I just can't get my head around it.
