Sure, this is how I try to do it. Write it out. I think journaling your feelings is a good way to work to release them. I think meditation or prayer (I practice centering prayer) can be a good way to work through it. Emotions make us want to move to action - so going for a walk, working out, something that involves movement can be helpful.
I recently ran across the poetry book "the truth of you" by iain s. thomas which has been a very nice companion on my journey. So I'll read and journal - focusing on feeling my emotions instead of stuffing them away. My hope is that let's me move through things in a healthy way, though sometimes they will overwhelm me.
I'll also try to work on presence - being present to the moment. Stopping to smell flowers or the rain, noticing the clouds and the sun. I read a paper by some college profs on happiness and so I use their tips to help me.
Originally Posted by BL42
To me there's a difference between "not doing anything wrong", ... and "not being the one ultimately responsible" (I.e., "it's not about you"). In my mind it's very important to separate these two in the discussion.
In regards to the former we have all made mistakes, acted poorly, could've handled situations differently...
However, in regards to the latter, unless you had major issues (physical abuse, drug addiction, gambling problems...etc.) there's a good chance that ultimately it is not "about you" and your ExW has deeper issues preventing her from being willing to work on the issues, leading her to an affair to get the quick fix of feeling better about herself, and putting a band aid on her pain. I've heard the "it's not about you" from ... others ... and while it's something I go back and forth on at times, ultimately I think they're right.
Point is...YES, absolutely reflect on how you can do better in the future, but NO, do not let the "what could I have done better / how could I have fixed this" allow you to put the full burden of the divorce on your back. Thornton, LH, and SteveLW are right when they say 1) you were willing to work on marriage whereas she was not, 2) it's possible (even likely) that is is about her and not you, and 3) she could've strayed even if you were the perfect husband.
All true. I really like the way you differentiated between these two concepts. Words are important and I think your word choice more clearly illustrates what I was trying to say. Thank you.
