Mr. Brightside, you in particular aren't painting with a broad brush, but there are some pretty large brush strokes being made based on what's here. That's what I was pointing to.
As I said you're all welcome to filter as you choose when you date. My point is, there are a lot of people like me with beyond messed up childhoods who are incredibly good people and wonderful partners and parents. And the only way to figure that out is to get to know someone. How you guys think you're going to measure that out of the gate is what I genuinely don't understand. And in any iteration that I can fathom it makes absolutely no sense.
I don't dump my childhood on people I just meet. My current husband didn't even really get the full scope of my childhood until the day my mother died in 2018 and my stepfather went on a narcissistic tirade because I wasn't sympathetic enough to him. We had been together 5 years. We were already married. Why? Because even though that time in my life shaped me it wasn't who I was as a 35 year old woman. Because most people even with semi-traumatic childhoods can't really grasp in a full scope how bad it was until they can see something like that. In my personal experience the only people, and that includes my family members like my grandparents (my mother's parents) and my mother's siblings, who truly understand what I went through are people who lived a chaotic childhood like mine or people who witnessed my life with my stepfather first hand.
Most people I know would never in a million years dump that kind of heavy on a person they just met. And if they do it's either because they aren't like me and they have some serious unaddressed behavioral or mental health issues, and have an over sharing problem, which is an obvious red flag not a background one. OR you coaxed it out of them. And if that's the case then what are you going to once you do, ghost them? Because that's essentially what's being said here.
My point is you're making a lot of assumptions based on your personal experiences with your exes. Even them, I would bed dollars to doughnuts you never really knew or understood the chaos fully. You have no way of actually figuring out if a person is damaged by their past without digging in to their past. So what's the plan then? You're going to take the time to get someone to tell you some dark sh!t but because you've decided to never participate in a relationship with some one like that ever again because it could potentially be hard for you? So you're going to rip open a wound and then dip?
Honestly if you guys said my ex wife had blue eyes and I'm never dating a blue eyed girl ever again. Or my exW was called Jennifer I'm never dating a Jennifer ever again. That's basically what this sounds like to me, but worse, because a person has to open up to you for you for you to make a superficial judgement.
I'm not saying you can't do that. I understand that urge and desire. What I'm saying is you have to understand that behavior, that's not on blue eyed women or Jennifers or people with traumatic childhoods. That's on you. That's your hang up. That's your problem. That's your baggage. If you want to filter in such a way go ahead, but don't frame it like people with crappy childhoods are the ones with the baggage and that's what you're avoiding when you aren't even getting to know them well enough to determine if it's actual baggage. Make your choices. They're yours. But own them. The onus is on you. Take responsibility for the choices you're making and don't put a person in the position of opening up to you just for you to dump your baggage on them and run. No one deserves that.
