Charting My Course (Part 2)

[wayfarer]

But it's a fact that people who come from divorced households are statistically more likely to become divorced themselves than people whose parents are still married. Clearly there's some impact.

And teen pregnancy begets teen pregnancy. And abuse begets abuse. And abandonment beget abandonment. But you're buying into the illusion that all stable families are built upon the bricks of other stable families. Just because something is statistically more likely doesn't mean those statics are clean and unskewed nor do those statistics take in to account other correlations or causalities. Teen preganacy being one everyone thought was because of modeled behavior of parents and peers. When those were the lowest on the list of causalities but highest on the correlation.

A lot of people on this site still hold dear to 1 out of 2 marriages in the US end in divorce. However that hasn't been true since the early 90s. The true statistic is 1 out of 3.5. We can use numbers to justify rationalize or anything else. But causation and correlation are messy things with the human variable. Your kids are now children of divorce. Are they doomed to divorce as well? You had great parents and Steve, and Gekko and Mr. Brightside did too. Yet you guys are just as divorced as your spouses are. (Minus Steve who was nearly D'd, twice)

It feels to me you are projecting a bit. I certainly wasn't meant as a personal attack. I'm sorry if my comments upset you.

I admitted I may be projecting. But I'm not in the dating pool. So my projection only goes so far. And I was/am not upset. I'm annoyed. I see the guys my friends are trying to date and I see you guys are here willingly admitting this stuff and all I can think is how do I help there be less men who have chips on their shoulders or copious amounts of baggage in dating pools. This is it. This is the best I can do. Try to give you guys some female perspective. And maybe just some perspective in general.

Maybe I'm hurt/biased/overly cautious, but I'm happy enough with myself and my life that I'd rather not marry ever again then go through another divorce.

To quote the great DnJ be better not bitter. Try to take a 30,000 ft view of yourself before putting yourself in the dating pool. Does any one deserve to date a person who is still in pain, biased and overly cautious. Is that fair to a woman who's ready to open up her heart? (<- That isn't just for BL btw)

One of the biggest issues I see with LBHs on here is they don't come to the same realizations that LBWs have to face over and over and over again. Those realizations being, you can't fall in love with a person's potential if they show you who they are you need to meet them where they're at, and you can't change someone, they can only change themselves.

Interesting. Why do you think that's different between LBHs and LBWs?

Well if you want to open this can of worms. Women are socially conditioned to be caregivers and to cater to the needs of others before their own. As we enter the dating pool in our 20s those of us who haven't worked through that social conditioning watch our friends date guy after guy thinking she can fix him. We fall for guys who have potential because we're babies we all have potential. We fall for guys who are great except..., because we're babies and there's plenty of time for him to grow up. And it isn't just men we do this in. We stick out immature friends, toxic friendships and try to maintain toxic familial relationships because that's what were supposed to do. And this continues for some time and for those with co-dependent behaviors this drags on for ages.

For the bulk of women by our 30s, when most of us are dealing with a narrowed dating pool and a whole lot of us have already been divorced once we start entering the period in our lives where we're bombarded with the message that we can't change men. A handful of us who went through marriage counseling start parsing out the info that you have to meet a person where they are at. You have to love person as they are not their potential. And that you have every right to walk away from any relationship that doesn't serve you because it's not your job to fix any one. We get beat with this in our heads in our 30s and 40s regardless of marital status. It's the one sided solution to dating and marriage problems. In dating is means keep 'er moving until someone isn't just potential. In marriage it buys time before things implode. If you get really lucky your spouse catches on and then catches up.

This constantly being beat over the head with don't fall in love with potential over and over is because the men are from Mars, women are from Venus crap that has infiltrated couples counseling for 2 decades perpetuates the idea that women are the ones in the relationship demanding change and having expectations, while men just want quiet and to eat sandwiches. We are the ones who want change so it's our job to deal with it. So by the time any of us get to this point in our mid to late 30s, 40s, 50s we've heard it a million times. However for guys like you who's wives are the ones who either won't grow, have regressed or have gone off the rails this is the first time you start hearing this stuff, and it's hard pill to swallow. It's forces you to realize your expectations were just as much of a problem as your spouses crappy behavior. For a lot of guys marriage counseling and places like this are the first time they are hearing and understanding the passive ways they were a detriment to their marriage and themselves. What's even harder is accepting that when you have a spouse who is actively creating detriments to the marriage, and your children and your self esteem you're mistakes feel like a pittance in comparison. However, once you start trying to date again they will come into full view. And that's an even more bitter pill to swallow, how can you possibly be the problem? How can some of the things your crazy ex said be true when 99% of the sh!t that came out of her mouth was lies? LBWs don't have that kind of blockade. We're told its our fault and responsibility from the get go even before there are problems thanks to social conditioning. (obviously this isn't an absolutely give the wives you're dealing with, but you get the point)