Still putting one foot in front of the other...

[Elbereth]

Dear Eagle3 and BluWave,

First of all, you are not whining, you are processing and the purpose of this forum is to let it all out. What you think, how you feel, so please don't apologize for that.

You are someone who kept yourself incredibly strong the first months after BD, I still remember that very well. I was always amazed of how you could still be so positive about everyhting.
I surely couldn't do that in the beginning.

But frankly, there is no person who can keep this up. You are simply somebody who was knocked down by it later than others.

And that's okay, be mad at him, at what he's done to you, what he's doing to his children.

Okay, thanks. It does mean a lot to be able to just get it all out here. I am trying to process and be productive, but sometimes I'm just mad and have to get it all out you know?

I am not going to say that you are bitter or scorned by his A, but I can tell you that I absolutely was! For a long time. And even after my H dumped X-OW, I remained that way to some extent for years. And it didn't just turn off one day and I didn't have this ability to rise above it, even though I felt as if I should. It was serious trauma and even with all the work, therapy and self care, it still just needed time. So I do not see you as whining and I completely empathize with how hurt and angry you feel. It is completely unfair. That is the part that you cannot change and that makes us feel so, so powerless. Some people here try and compare their sitches and give advice, but being left by your spouse for another person -- I mean full blown A, they pick up and leave you and go off with that person -- is a trauma far greater than many can ever know!

Also, I think the trauma is not only from the betrayal of being left for OW. I see you questioning everything that you thought you knew about your life and yourself. When our entire life is turned upside down and taken away from us, it changes everything and we question what we thought we ever knew. And what we thought we knew about ourselves and our identity. Again, not just some EAs and marital rift. It is TRAUMA. But, the good news is, this is the part (perception of reality) you can change. As you begin to heal, you can continue to change the way you see your history, relationships and what happened. Over time, you may actually feel better about how you see things. Why? Because you are not still with a person that would do this and traumatize you. He also has a history of failed Ms now and that speaks volumes to his character. You might not be there yet and that is okay, but you will some day. Have you read DejaVu's story from the beginning?

I do feel like I was doing so well, but I think it's because much of what I had been studying was based on DB'ing or future relationship improvements, processing MLC, improving myself, etc. So in short, I wasn't really examining the past relationship. I mean, I pretty much thought I knew what happened. It was only when I started to realize that I still wasn't feeling the way I felt logically I should (flashbacks, anxiety, trouble sleeping, numbness). It was actually some Instagram posts from others that had me taking the time to really think back to different events in my last few years, the more I realized that there was so many things I had not processed or understood. Many trauma posts rang true to me. Definitions of gaslighting and other mental abuse rang true. You don't know what you don't know. I'm not one that has had many relationships.

You describe my feelings very well Blu. It's overwhelming. I think I'd feel more resentment towards the OW if I felt she was a normal person and I could see why he'd fall for her. But she is very strange and nothing about her makes any sense. So to me she is just being used by my STBXH. So yeah, they connected over past history, but I don't see this one lasting. Regardless, it's my H that has done it all. He's the one who made the decisions he did and he's the one who treated me the way he did. So my anger is aimed at him. And a bit at myself. Sure, I was super curious about her and followed her social for a while...and it was entertaining because she is a bit whack, but now I just pity her...she has no idea of who she just blew up her family for.

I do know I will keep putting one foot in front of the other to work towards healing from this. I want a better future and I will do what it takes to get there. But, boy the recent revelations have thrown me for a loop. It's more processing and stepping back. But that is okay as long as I don't get stuck here.

Thanks for your thoughts. I appreciate them so much.

El